1/6/11 This is Just Some Kind of Pregnant Woman Hazing Ritual, Right?

We had our first class of Teddybear University Tuesday tonight. This is the 5 week class that covers birthing and childcare for first time parents. I was actually looking forward to it. Thought it might be reassuring to know what was going to happen.

WRONG!

Don't misunderstand. The instructor is perfectly lovely. She really is. And we have a workbook that is very informative. And we learned lots of helpful things about signs of labor and when to call your doctor and what is a normal feeling and what is not. But she completely lost me when she showed...THE VIDEO.

(You know the one. They've got some poor woman from the 70's in a bed with her feet jacked up to the ceiling and a camera stuck right next to her unmentionable bits. And even though they've cut the sound way down on the final edit, I'm pretty sure she's screaming bloody murder while you get to watch every gruesome moment).

Plus they totally snuck it in too. We were doing a nice little presentation of diagrams and charts and not-to-explicit drawings when BAM! cut to shot of random woman's hoo-ha with a little head sticking out. (And let me tell you, neither the big head or the little head looked very happy about it). Tony and I jerked back like we'd both been hit in the face with a 2x4. (Actually, I think I would have preferred it. As it is, I think the image has been permanently seared onto my retinas).

And the afterbirth thing with the placenta? I didn't even know that had to come out. I thought the baby was the end of it. But they showed that part too! Just as I was beginning to relax because the worst was over, here comes the placenta! That part looked even worse! (I think I yelled HOLY CRAP ON A CRACKER! right in the middle of the class). When the lights came back up, Tony turns to me with eyes the size of softballs and goes, "Sweetie, you are soooo screwed".

No kidding, dear. Guess whose fault that is?

Why does it have to be so disgusting? It's like "Let's take the grossest things we can possibly think of and throw them all in together and call it childbirth". (And as the instructor so cheerfully pointed out, you might even poop in front of everyone too!) I mean, would it have been so hard to have maybe a nice piece of jewelry instead of a mucus plug? A bunch of daisies instead of a placenta? (Women could be all, "Whoops! There goes my bouquet! Stick those in a vase for me, will ya?") I could get behind that.

I know, I know, I hear all of you out there. You're all, "This is a natural and beautiful part of life, and you should cherish it!". And to that I say fine. I'll cherish the wetting my pants and the snot plug and the blood and the gooey stuff all over her and growing a hole to my internal organs that, if anywhere else on the body would probably be fatal, but do I really need to see it? I mean, I'm not the one down there on the catching end. That's why I have a doctor. Let him deal with all the messy parts. The less I need to think about it, the better. (In fact, I wouldn't even be in the same room if I could figure out a way for my bottom half to be giving birth while my top half was down the hall, say, flipping through old magazines in the waiting room).

So...yeah. Not a fan of the video. Or the whole idea of labor in general now that I've seen it. (For me or Baby Girl...going through all that can't really be a picnic on her end either). I'm thinking that it's high time we figure out a better way of getting babies out anyway. Is this not the 21st century? Do we not live in an age of medical advancement? The whole pushing and screaming and gushing thing is soooo beginning of time.

You know what it says on my birth plan? "I want the stork option".

Where do I sign up for the stork?