11/2/12 Yes Virginia, There Is a Halloween

So I know I kind of left it on a cliffhanger last time- the question on everyone's mind (and by "everyone's" I mean only me of course) was will she or won't she?  When we last left our heroes, ZB was refusing to wear the hat of her Halloween costume.  We'd been trying to get her to wear it for the entire month of October to no avail.  I wasn't sure what we were going to do if she balked on the big day.  It was quite the nail biter.

But! I am happy to report that on Halloween morning ZB got up and let me put her costume on her, hat and all, like it was no big deal.  Was it because she knew that it was finally the right day to wear a costume?  Was it because it was cold and she was glad to have a hat on her head?  Did she see that vein throbbing on Mommy's forehead and decide to cut her a break?  Who knows what goes through a toddler's mind?

Anyway.  I officially present...two scary and ferocious monsters!

And one of the ferocious monsters is blowing you a kiss.

ZB's costume was available commercially where all fine baby Halloween costumes are sold.  Last year Mom made her lion costume for her, but she (meaning Mom) is having back problems and can't sit at her sewing machine for any length of time, so no free sewing labor for us this year. (Boo!)  So I ran through all the costumes at Babies R Us and Walmart and Target and anywhere else that was like, "we sell overpriced poorly made polyester costumes that your child will wear exactly once!"  And this one caught my eye because it was just so gosh darn cute.  And made halfway decently.  And not obscenely overpriced.  So I was all, "Monsters it is!"

I mean seriously.  Have you ever seen anything cuter in your life?

The only problem was that the hat was a teeny bit big and the "teeth" kept slipping over her eyes.  Surprisingly (and hysterically), ZB's instinct is just to take off running blindly when this happens.  

My costume was a little harder.  Can you believe that they don't make adult monster costumes?  (Actually, that's a lie.  They do.  I found a couple on a website that sells fantasy lingerie.  For all your monster fetish needs, I suppose.  But it isn't really the kind of monster outfit that you can wear to take your child trick or treating.)  So I improvised.  Really improvised.  First of all, it's hard to find purple fur around here.  And if you do, it's something like $18/yard.  Which is crazy.  So I used a blanket instead.  I'm serious.  In the teen bedding section of Walmart, they have all these assorted furry pillows and throws and whatnot.  And they are much cheaper than $18/yard (I think $14 for two or so yards worth...and lined!), so I bought a purple throw and cut it up.  Instant monster fur.  

Secondly, I'm kind of self-taught when it comes to sewing.  My skill level is somewhere around "hem a pillow case".  I couldn't read a pattern if my life depended on it.  So I made up my own.  The skirt is based on a wrap-around skirt that I had in my closet, the leg warmers are just material that I wrapped around my legs, sewed the seams together and put elastic band at the top.  And the hat was me literally laying my head down on the material and tracing around it with a pencil for the size.  I'd sew some parts together, eyeball it, and go, yeah, those sides look mostly even.  Plus, monster fur is very forgiving.  It's so fuzzy you can't see the seams anyway, so no one has to know about that zig-zaggy spot where the sewing machine got away from me a little.  

Standing together, we are monsters.  Alone, I look like a giant purple bath mat with horns.

So those are our Halloween costumes for this year.  I think they turned out well considering that they were almost not to be.  Hopefully she'll remember how much fun she had this year and not fight me so much about it next year.  A Mommy can dream anyway.

Trick or Treat!

10/30/12 A Headstrong Toddler: Scarier than Freddie AND Chucky

Edited to add: This was actually supposed to post the day before Halloween but didn't due to "issues" with the dancing video on the previous post, which gummed up the timing on these other posts.  So...pretend Halloween hasn't happened yet.  

I love Halloween.  Love it, love it, love it.  I love thinking of costume ideas, and making costumes, and wearing costumes, and seeing other people in costumes.  (And yes, eating candy, if you're going to twist my arm about it.)

I mean, look at the following evidence:

And then ZB came along, and that just doubled the costume fun.  (Sadly, Tony has never been one for dressing up.  Even when we were first dating and he was still trying to impress me, he balked at the whole couples costume idea.  Sigh.)  But ZB wasn't old enough to protest, so she became my costume muse.

For example, last year:

I mean, you can't be a lion tamer without a little lion, can you?  But Internets, this year the best part about Halloween is in DANGER!  And not fake being-chased-through-a-haunted-house-by-a-guy-with-a-chainsaw-with-no-chain danger, but real danger!  Because ya'll, this year ZB does not want to wear her costume.

Dum-dum-DUMMMM!!

Seems that now that she is a toddler, she's got this crazy idea to "exert her independence" and that includes refusing to wear her little costume hat.  Seriously.  I've been "practicing" with her for the last month to wear her hat, and she just says "No! No! No!" and pulls it off.  Don't get me wrong, she thinks it is hysterical when Mommy wears it, or Daddy wears it, or CC wears it, but when it goes on her head, she wants nothing to do with it.

I am very concerned!  The costume doesn't really make sense without her hat, and if her costume doesn't make sense, then my costume doesn't make sense.  (And I spent a lot of time making my costume by hand.  Many a night I slaved over my sewing machine, and I don't really even know how to sew!)  So I'm not sure what to do.  If she balks tomorrow, then my plan B is to put her back into her wedding outfit and call her a princess.  But I'm really really hoping that Plan A (Wear the stupid hat!) works.

Does anyone know any good bribes that work on toddlers?

7/5/12 More American than Apple Pie, Stars and Stripes, and Freaky Robot Fire Dogs

Well hey there Internets!  I hope everyone had a wonderful July 4th yesterday!  Personally, we had an absolute blast!  Mom and Dad's neighborhood had a parade (and being on a golf course, everyone decorated their golf carts), and then a big cookout, band, demonstrations from the local fire and police K9 unit, and finally swimming in the neighborhood pool.  ZB loved loved LOVED every single second of it.  In fact, we only took her home after she was so exhausted that she fell asleep (although she managed to hold out for an hour and a half past her usual nap time) and when she woke up (three hours later) she was mad that she was at home instead of still at the party.  She is a little party animal, that one!

First, the parade.  Mom stayed up until 3am the night before in order to decorate the golf cart.  Ya'll, these people take this parade seriously.  There were 26 golf carts in the "Best Decorated Golf Cart" Competition, and you've never seen so many flags, streamers and balloons in your life.  Here's our cart:

And ours was one of the more subtle ones. 

On the cart: Mom, ZB, myself, two Yorkies, and one sweaty Uncle Sam
who was just forced to run up a big steep hill behind us.

Here we are in the parade.  That's my Dad in the giant Uncle Sam hat, hanging off the back.  He and Tony were originally supposed to walk behind the cart with the two dogs, but after the first big hill, the dogs rode on my lap, Dad spent most of the time hanging off the back, and Tony raced ahead to the cart in front of us who was handing out Popsicles to the people watching and snagged a couple for himself.  Still, we are quite the patriotic sight, no?

Tony and Dad, post golf cart chasing but still looking patriotic.

And me, having actually been smart enough to ride in the golf cart from the beginning.
(Hey, it was 97 degrees out...I'm no dummy).

Anyway, we all had a lot of fun waving and yelling to the people lining the streets, and ZB clapped and cheered because everyone else was and she loves it when people clap with her.  Sadly, we did not win Best Dressed Cart (there was actually a tie for first between the cart that recreated the Statue of Liberty on the back and the cart that transformed itself into a rocket, complete with smoke trails), but that is okay, because we actually did win both Best Dressed Kid and Best Dressed Pet!

Note the cuteness just oozing out
of her.

Here we have ZB sporting her lovely Hello Kitty Patriotic shirt, a custom-made white skirt with netting overlay and red, white and blue stars at the bottom.  She has accessorized this with her sparkly red shoes and red sparkle hair clip.  (Actually, Mom also made a hat for her to wear, but it was so hot that the poor kid's head was drenched in sweat every time we put it on her).  Now, I may be a little biased, but Internets, that kid stole the entire show.  She was so adorable and happy and excited about the whole thing that everyone who saw her loved her.  In fact, the local paper took her picture and put her on the front page!  Her cuteness is a force, people!  It is not to be denied!

And now I have a trophy that reads "Best Kid 2012" to prove it.

Speaking of cuteness, may I also present the winners of this year's Best Dressed Pet!  Mom and Dad's Yorkies, Brutus and Brandi, are each sporting doggie T-shirts, reading "Patriotic to the Bone" and "I love the USA", respectively.  Brandi is also wearing red, white and blue stars in her hair.  But I think the kicker was the little tiny sequined Uncle Sam hat that Brutus was modeling.

Because is there anything more adorable than a tiny dog in a tiny top hat?  I think not. 

After the parade ZB hightailed it over to the local fire department's truck where the firemen immediately made her their chief (complete with hat and everything!).  They also had an animatronic talking Fire Dog named Sparky that kinda freaked me out (no doubt due to repressed childhood nightmares about our Teddy Ruxpin trying to kill us) but had ZB totally mesmerized.  The other kids would come up and look at it for a while, maybe talk to it or touch it and then move on, but for ZB, the world outside Sparky the Fire Dog ceased to exist.  She'd probably still be there, rooted to the same spot, had the fire department not eventually packed Sparky up and headed out for his next engagement.  (Let's just hope she forgets about him before Christmas.  Something tells me that Sparkies may be hard to come by for the private consumer). 

Mommy, can we have a freaky robot dog with a grating mechanical voice and weird blinky eyes please please please please PLEASE?!?

Finally, after stuffing ourselves with hot dogs and hamburgers and (I kid you not) 38 different types of baked beans, pasta salads, potato salads, chips, corn on the cob, watermelon, and enough cookies, brownies and cupcakes to put a diabetic into a coma just by looking at it, we decided to hit the pool.  And it's a good thing that ZB has such fun grandparents because by this point I was ready for a nap in the sunshine, but ZB was still going strong.  She splashed, she played, she climbed everyone's swim suit like she was a spider monkey.   The entire day was like ZB's personal version of heaven.  (Think about it: A parade, a trophy, a hot dog, a cupcake, a creepy talking robot dog and a pool.  Nothing else could compare.  It is a one year old dream come true). 

So yeah, I suppose you could say that we had a pretty great day.  It was good to see such a nice turnout for the parade and picnic, and it was a great way to honor not only our active service men and women, but also our veterans that were in the crowd.  Not to mention make it into ZB's top 5 favorite days of her life EVER.

America, we love you and salute you.

5/28/12 Rollin' on the River

Well.

I trust everyone survived their Memorial Day weekend?  It was a balmy 95 degrees here all weekend, so Tony, ZB and I celebrated the sacrifices of our armed forces by spending as much time as possible submerged in water.  ZB and Tony did so in her baby pool on the back deck, and I did so in an inner tube while riding down a mountain river in the Smokies*.  

See, my friend Erin had her brother and sister-in-law in town to visit for the weekend, and Drew (the guy Erin is dating) had his family in to visit, so they were all, "What should we do to entertain all this family when it is blazing hot outside?".  And I, being the helpful friend that I am, was all, "I dunno...Charades?" and Erin (who is a much better event planner than I am, although possibly not as good at charades) was like, "Actually, I think we're all going to go up to the mountains and go tubing".  And I was like, "Sounds fun! Where should I meet you guys?"

Which is how I ended up inviting myself along on Erin and Drew's family (and me) outing.  

So on Saturday at the crack of noon, Erin, Drew, Erin's SIL Virginia, Drew's sister Anna and yours truly piled into Erin's car for a scenic jaunt to the mountains.  I say scenic because normally the drive from Knoxville to the Smokey Mountain National Park takes about an hour, but Erin thought she remembered a shortcut to avoid the always crowded Pigeon Forge area.  Alas, the fates were against us, because between the "shortcut" (which did take us right through Pigeon Forge after all), the police detour due to an accident, the mandatory Dunkin Doughnuts stop, a brief rest stop pause to look at a map and figure out where the heck we were, and my insistence that we not do more than 25mph on the curvy mountain roads (due to my tendency to get all green and barfy from motion sickness), we finally made it to the tub rental place about 3 hours after we set out.  

Still, the company was nice, I scored permanent dibs on shotgun (the one advantage to the above-mentioned green and barfy), and I brought road snacks, so the drive wasn't bad at all.  

Once you get to Townsend (the town about 2 miles outside the National Park Entrance), you can rent tubes for roughly $6 a day.  For another $2 the tube rental places will shuttle you and your inner tube up to the river and drop you off.  But we are locals, not some newbie tubing tourists, so we eschewed the shuttle bus and decided to drive ourselves up to a more fun, more energetic part of the river where we could partake of some white-water rapids.  So we tied our tubes down all over the car with what basically amounted to dental floss that we found in the trunk of Erin's car and took off for our river adventure.  

From Left to Right: Anna, Erin, Virginia, Drew and Me ready for some tubin'. 

If you head into the SMNP (that's Smokey Mountain National Park for ya'll who have trouble with acronyms) by way of the Townsend side, you'll come across the famous "Y" where the river splits into, you guessed it, a Y shape.  This is a popular destination spot for swimming, picnicking, and tubing (if you rode the shuttle bus).  And it is very nice.  But! If you go up the river another mile or so, you will hit a less crowded, much faster, much more fun section of river.  

And really, who wouldn't want that?

Ya'll, the river did not disappoint.  We were a little worried about having enough water volume when we first went up there, but the rains that we've had recently more than guaranteed lots of white-water rapids for us to bounce, slide and sometimes downright fly though.  

Pay no attention to my sexy sexy mesh water shoes.  What they lack in fashion, they make up for with traction on the slippery river rocks.  The hat I have no excuse for.

It was hard to for me to grasp that there's no "right" way to go down the river.  You have to be vigilant about submerged rocks and trees and such, but other than that, left of the rock, right of the rock...it doesn't matter.  If you get stuck, just paddle your tube back out into the current and do it again.  It wasn't designed by a team of engineers or theme park designers. It is nature at its finest, unstructured, untamed, and unapologetically beautiful.  That said, there was one memorable chute where nature got a little more up close and personal than I bargained for.  See, I was caught in a bit of an eddy while facing backwards.  I was wearing a very fetching nylon swim skirt (see the first picture if you need a visual refresher) and I was just maneuvering my tube away from the one current into another when something bumped up against my thigh.  

(Yes, there are fish in the river.  It's not something I like to think about a lot, and for the most part they stay away from the people, and the people never even know they're there.  Kinda of a nature don't ask don't tell policy.)  But this particular little fish decided that he was going down the same current that I just had, and was most surprised to find me still at the bottom of the chute.  Worse, the water ballooned my skirt out so that it was acting as a giant fishing net, and Mr. Fish flew right past the rocks and right up my skirt.  

(This is the part of the day where I re-enacted Jesus walking on water, because as soon as Mr. Fish's tail went fwap! fwap! fwap! against my thighs, I shot straight up out of the water and hovered six inches above it  while screaming and beating myself about hips and buttocks).  

(Of course, this delightful little moment was witnessed by our entire group, several random hikers and all the fish's buddies, who were no doubt laughing uproariously at my expense).  

I'd like to at least be able to say that the fish that assaulted me was huge- a 15 pounder or something like that, but the truth is that I never saw him.  He slipped away unnoticed while I was trying to explain to my group that no, those screams were not me being eaten by a bear...I just had a run-in with a cross-dressing fish who wanted to try on my skirt.  

But fish cooties aside, the outing was simply wonderful, and a lot of fun.  (Totally worth the carsickness to get up here and back).  We ran some sections of the river three or four times if we liked the rapids, and drifted through the calm parts, just enjoying the scenery and the sunshine.  I met some lovely people, had a lot of laughs, and got thoroughly and refreshingly soaked.  

And while our veterans and active duty soldiers might not have envisioned this exact scene (fish attack included) while they fought to keep our country free, I appreciate their sacrifice in order for me to do so anyway.  Happy Memorial Day, ya'll.

* Why didn't ZB and Tony come, you ask?  Because you have to be 2 years old to ride in the tubes, and ZB isn't there yet.  (And Tony is an anti-social hermit who hates group outings).  But next year!  Oh yes!  The fun will be had by all next year!

2/13/12 Feeling the Love

So I made the huge tactical error tonight of stopping by walmart to buy some some necesseties (read: diapers) on Valentine's Day Eve, and the place was a MAD HOUSE with all the kids racing around the card section, trying to decide if Spongebob or X-men better described how they felt about their fellow classmates.

(I don't know about you, but I find it kind of funny that kids seem to take Valentine's Day waaaay more seriously than adults. I mean, here we have a holiday specifically designed for romance, but the ones that are freaking out about it are all the seven-year-olds. Why is that?)

Anyway, Walmart looked like a red and pink war had broken out. Boxes of assorted cards lay littered across the aisles; casualties of finicky grade-schoolers searching for the perfect level of friendly versus coolness. Heart-shaped candies were trampled by the wayside. Assorted chocolates, small plush bears and those bizarre rose-in-a-balloon deals (because nothing says romance like not being able to actually smell your rose?) were being escorted out of the melee as prisoners of war.

Not that I can really blame them. It doesn't make sense to me now, but I can certainly remember being that age and sitting at the kitchen table the night before the class party, painstakingly assigning cards to my fellow classmates in deference to the cut-throat second grade hierarchy. It wasn't that easy either. In a box of 24 cards, there were only 4 designs to choose from. That meant that I only had 7 of the best ones to divide out between best friends, cool kids, and any boys I happened to like at the time. Acquaintances were second tier, then those kids that you never interacted with because their last name started with W and therefore sat on the opposite side of the room, then (because class rules required that everyone be given a card) the kid who ate glue and the one who blew spit bubbles during lunch.

You can see the problem.

Did Eric Watson (pro: could draw really well. Con: Sat about as far away as possible) deserve a Snoopy and Woodstock "You're Neat!" card or the lower, less cool Linus and Sally "I think you're swell!" card? And if you bumped Eric up to Snoopy, that meant that you had to demote the shy girl who transferred into the class last month to a Peppermint Patty "Hi Pal!". And no matter who you gave the Charlie Brown's to, as soon as they realized that they were on the same social rung as the glue eater, there was going to be hell to pay.

It was a logistical nightmare.

And that was just cards. Depending on the party planned and the rules of the teacher involved, there was also the possibility of having to navigate candy. Small pieces of foil-wrapped chocolate, it goes without saying, were the best and could ratchet you up into the coolness stratosphere if you could talk your parents into buying it (I never could). Next came red heart-shaped suckers, and then towards the bottom were those boxes of chalky candy hearts that break your teeth and taste like Rolaids (actually, those weren't bad. At least they had fun sayings on them. It was the tasteless generic knock-off candy hearts that my Dad tried to pass off as the same thing one year that could really take you down a peg on the old popularity meter. It was actually better to show up empty-handed and pretend to be diabetic than to bring those to school).

Still, it wasn't all politics. Someone's Mom always brought cupcakes with red sprinkles, and there were cookies with pink icing on them, and red kool-aid, so we were pretty much guaranteed to be in the euphoric chaos of a sugar high as we raced around handing out our cards to each other. (How the teacher wasn't insane by the end of the day, I will never know).

And it wasn't like we were immune to the prick of Cupid's arrows either. One year I got the bright idea to give two cards to the boy I liked...one with my name on it, and then another as a secret admirer! Oh the cunning! I was just sure that he'd spend days in thoughtful contemplation, trying to figure out who liked him. And yet I'd still have plausible deniability because obviously I had already given him the card with my name clearly on it! (How this was supposed to make him fall madly in love with me while having no idea that I was the one who sent it I'm not quite sure. All I can say is it made sense at the time.) And no doubt the plan would have worked beautifully too had nosy Erin Spangler not happened to see the anonomous card and take it upon herself to try to figure out who had sent it! It wasn't her mystery to solve! It was his! And anyway, she was much too smart for her own good, because she quickly realized that the mystery card was of the Punky Brewster variety, and my signed card was Punky Brewster, so therefore they had to had come from the same pack! She was smug, I was annoyed, and the boy (I wish I could remember his name!) only really cared about seeing if he could find someone to trade his pink cookie for another cupcake.

(Oh the trials and tribulations of seven-year-old love).

Luckily things are easier now. Having been married for almost nine years now, my Valentine and I have worked out a routine. He gets me chocolate, I get him Twinkies, and we go out for Japanese food. Done and done. No confusing Snoopy hierarchy, no busting a filling on a chalk rock masquarading as candy, no nosy Erin Spangler messing up my love groove. Just me and my honey, being together and ignoring the rest of the frippery. Maybe that's why adults don't stress Valentine's as much as kids do. Once you've gotten some practice at it, then it becomes less about the trappings and more about the other person.

Well, the other person and a Punky Brewster Valentine's Day card. Because if you still need help this Valentine's Day, you can't go wrong with Punky.

6/16/11 One Score and Eleven Years Ago...

Sooooo...it's my birthday today. Actually, mine and Tony's both. We're turning 31. He celebrated by going to work, and I am celebrating by pressure washing the siding on the house and then changing some poopie diapers. Later today we will meet up for a birthday celebration of signing the papers for refinancing the house.

Whoo-boy! Do we know how to party or what?

Remember when you looked forward to your birthday all year long? Remember when it meant cake and streamers and getting your name called out over the PA system at the skate center while they played the Happy Birthday song?

Or that pool party?

Or the giggling sleepover with pizza and sleeping bags in the living room floor?

What about the obligatory Chucky Cheese?

There's nothing quite like being a kid on your birthday. The siren call of too much sugar, a pile of presents, and 500 of your closest friends and classmates playing games and running amok. Birthdays were rivaled only by Christmas and the first day of summer as the best day of the entire year.

So why is it that adult birthdays are never as awesome as what they were when we were kids?

Actually, I can't really complain. While today might be a little humdrum, my extended family will get together this Sunday to celebrate Father's Day and all the June birthdays, including mine. We'll grill burgers and hot dogs, and buy funny birthday cards and pass them around so we can all laugh at the jokes. And I have it on good authority that my new favorite dessert, Chocolate Trifle, will be made. So as far as birthdays go, not bad.

I've heard that the tradition of birthday parties started in Europe because people thought that evil spirits were particularly active on the day of a person's birth. To combat this, friends and family would visit and bring small gifts and well wishes. Toss in some refined sugar and frosting, and viola! A birthday party!

I'm not sure if evil spirits are chased off by pressure washing and home refinancing, so maybe you should leave me birthday wishes, you know, just to be on the safe side. After all, you'd feel horrible if the evil spirits got me on my birthday, right?

Bonus points for singing the actual song.

4/24/11 Happy Easter

For your viewing enjoyment, some pictures of the most adorable baby ever in her Easter dress and bunny hat...

Hope you and yours have a wonderful Easter holiday!

12/28/10 A Christmas Recap

I just wanted you to know that we have made it safely back from our Christmas travels to the Great White North (which happened to be particularly white this year with all the snow everywhere). But it was good, and we had fun, and it's always nice to see family.

• We flew to Chicago Friday morning. I had studied up on all the "flying while pregnant" articles and advice, and had snacks, extra water, a copy of my medical records (just in case), and a note from my doctor informing anyone who asked that he had cleared me to fly. (The articles suggested this, as some airlines require a doctor's note just to make sure that you're not going to try to spontaneously give birth at 30,000 feet. I'm still three months away from my due date, but I studiously followed the advice and got my note just to be sure, which exactly no one requested to see. I was actually a little bummed).


• Tony's parents, brother and youngest sister were all in attendance for Christmas (his other sister and niece were scheduled to arrive the day after we left), and we had a grand old time playing in the snow, attending the Christmas Eve mass and having a hearty holiday dinner at his grandmother's house. (With Christmas cookies. We can't forget Grandma's famous frosted sugar cookies. I had failed my first glucose test and wasn't scheduled to take the 3 hour one until after we returned, so I ate my body weight in Christmas cookies, just in case it would be my last chance until after the baby was born).

(Like that old saying goes, "Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we might be diabetic").

(Or something like that anyway).

• They had a good 6 inches or so of snowfall while we were there, so Tony challenged his whole family to a snow ball fight in the front yard. (Well, not me, obviously. I was bundled up and assisted to a nice non-slippery spot out of firing range to observe. No hitting the pregnant lady and all that...although that didn't stop me from tossing a couple at Tony anyway, especially since he couldn't retaliate. Gotta take advantage of this baby thing any way you can, you know?).

• Christmas presents were awesome as always, with Baby Girl making out like a bandit. (Is it fair to get Christmas presents when you aren't technically born yet? Apparently family members think yes.) She racked up dozens of cute little outfits and toys and a stuffed Tigger that is bigger than she is (at the moment anyway), all of which I'm sure she'll appreciate once she does arrive.

• Tony had to work the following Monday, so it had to be a quick trip. We did manage to get in a nice brunch and visit with Seester and her hubby, (Stubby) back in Chicago though, so we were able to spend some time with all of the Illinois relations, quick trip or not. Then it was back to the airport, back through security, back on a plane (delayed an hour and 15 minutes, but in airport time, that's still practically considered on schedule) and back to scraping three days worth of ice and snow off the car in economy parking.

• The cats were certainly happy that we were home. Due to the above mentioned delay, we actually didn't come stumbling in until after 11pm, but that didn't stop the cats from being significantly relieved to see us. So relieved, in fact, that we couldn't move with all the cat attention. (You know those kids who cling to your legs as you drag them from room to room? Imagine that, only smaller, furrier, and times 5). You'd think we had abandoned them for years instead of just three days. In fact, they were so excited that we were back that we were showered in homecoming gifts. That following morning, I opened my eyes to discover that I was nose to nose (beak?) with their rattiest, most chewed, best loved stuffed toy, Birdie, nestled lovingly on the pillow next to me so I would be sure to see it first thing. (In addition to a slightly slobbered on bundle of feathers and escaped stuffing, further investigation also revealed another stuffed toy (Mason's favorite) and a catnip pillow, tucked under the covers and next to my feet, respectively). I'm not sure if these were tokens to express their appreciation that we returned or bribes to keep us from leaving again, but these most beloved toys, willingly shared, were some of my favorite Christmas gifts this year.

All in all, a pretty good Christmas. We were able to spend time with family, have a white Christmas, eat good food, laugh a lot, and get back home without too much trouble. If that doesn't make a holiday a success, I don't know what does.

12/19/10 Tony, the Blahs, and the Knoxville Symphony Orchestra

Oooooh ya'll, I had the best time yesterday. We went to the Christmas show that the Knoxville Symphony Orchestra puts on, and it was just beautiful and magical and lovely, and I just had the best time!

Of course, the day didn't start out like that. You ever just wake up in a cranky blah mood for no particular reason? Well, that was me. Color me blah. And the closest reason that I could come up with was that I needed some excitement. My previous week was blah, my errands were blah, and we had absolutely no Saturday plans, which was blah cherry on top of my blah cake.

I think you get the picture.

Now normally, Tony (being of the male persuasion and all), can be somewhat blind to my blahs. On any given Saturday, the list of items that gets Tony's attention is 1) the sporting event currently playing on TV, 2) what is available to eat in the kitchen, and 3) the upcoming sporting event that will come on after the current sporting event is concluded. Whether or not his wife is emitting deep theatrical sighs falls somewhere around 4,783 on the Tony attention-o-meter. (Unless I cry. Sudden bursting into tears gets me up into the top 5, but only for as long as it takes me to tell him what it wrong. Lack of a specific reason drops me back down to around 28...high enough to make him pat me awkwardly on the leg while I sniff uncontrollably, but not enough to actually remove his eyes from the Bears/New England game. Like I said, he's a man).

But Tony must have been on especially on his game yesterday (or else it was halftime), because he picked up on my blahs without even a sniffle to clue him. And then he did the best thing. He gave me a hug. A good long bear hug. And then the second best thing...he asked if I wanted to go to dinner and the symphony.

To which I replied, "Oh my word, you've got some kind of terminal disease you aren't telling me about, don't you?"

See, I love the symphony. Love it love it love it. But this is a small miracle in terms of how Tony is usually willing to spend his Saturday nights. And just so you understand the full and total scale of this miraculous miracle, you should know that also playing at the Civic auditorium, at the very same time, in the very same venue as a the symphony orchestra, was a hockey game. So not only was Tony willing to sit through the symphony, but he was doing it instead of watching a hockey game.

And nothing says I love you like Tony skipping the chance to see a hockey game in order to sit through Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies.

(In fact, I'm still not sure the terminal disease thing is entirely off the table).

But we went, and it was fabulous. I got all gussied up in my finest giant blob maternity going-to-the-symphony clothes, and we had a lovely dinner at the new hibachi Japanese place (my choice...I was jonesing for some stir fry zucchini), and then we went to the Christmas show, which not only had the orchestra, but also the Knoxville Choral Society and a ballet dance troupe.

(I know! The symphony AND ballet! Not only is he terminal, but he's probably lost the house in a poker game and isn't telling me).

But you know what? I think he liked it. Maybe not enough to get season tickets, but enough that he didn't fall asleep or sneak off to catch the hockey score during intermission. And I loved it. The music was fabulous, the singing was fabulous, the dancing actually made me cry at one point. (Happy crying though, not blah crying. Apparently pregnancy hormones REALLY enjoy the Waltz of the Flowers. Go figure.) In fact, the one and only thing I'd change was the guy with the 2 year old girl that sat next to us. Don't get me wrong. The 2 year old was perfect...she never made a peep. The man, however, sang along with the orchestra on some of the songs. I did not come to the symphony to listen to you warble along to Little Drummer Boy, sir. Especially since you do not know all of the correct words.

But other than that? Fabulous Saturday night date. My own personal Prince Charming rode in, battled the blah monster, whisked me away for a magical night of music and dance, and then returned me safely home (where he promptly checked the game highlights, because he SWEARS he isn't dying).

So I guess the moral of the story is that my hubby is the best hubby ever. (Sorry ladies. He's all mine). And also, it's impossible to have the blahs when listening to the KSO do their Christmas show. And if you get a chance, go see it, because it is awesome.

You don't even have to have to be on your death bed.

12/17/10 The Year The Cats Finally Agree to Pose for the Christmas Card

Nothing thrills me more than getting a Christmas card from friends and family, even when it's a virtual one. So a very Merry Christmas to all of you out there in the blogosphere from all of us here at the House of Quirk!

Top row, from left to right: Tony, Me, Dixon, Sebastian.
Middle row: Bella
Bottom row, from left to right: Mason, Magellan, Baby Girl

Note: This is a scan of my hard copy cards from Shutterfly. The cards looked great this year if I do say so myself, so if you're in need of some last minute Christmas cheer, you still have time to head over there and make your own. (Adorable cat faces not included).

12/13/10 Tender Tennessee Christmas Tour

Well, it's that time of year again! The lights are lighting, the eggnog is nogging, and the Nester is doing her annual Christmas Tour of Homes! This year has a special bonus, because it just so happens to be snowing right now, which may not be much of a howdy do where you live, but pretty much thrills our little souls here in Knoxville, TN. (And by thrilled I mean flurries will shut down the city and cause a run on the milk in the super market, because hey, snowing in the South. But it does make for some pretty pictures, no?)


But where are my manners? Come on in and have a nice warm cup of cocoa.

I'm going to admit that we didn't really go all out this year like we have in years past. (For years past, feel free to click here or here or here). Reason number one is that we'll be traveling for Christmas this year (although with a house sitter so all of those with larceny in your hearts can just settle right back on down, thank you), and reason number two is that it's a little harder to deck those halls when the preggo belly keeps bumping into anything. But we did manage a little bit of Christmas cheer, so feel free to take a look around anyway.

Okay, so it isn't your traditional Christmas tree, but I think it makes a pretty stand-in. This is the Bird of Paradise from the back porch, and since it had to come in for the winter anyway, I thought a few snowflake decorations might liven it up a little bit.
What's with all the stockings, you ask? Why, one for each of the cats, of course! (If you're just passing through, you should know that we're cat people). 5 cat stockings, and 2 people stockings. And if you think that's crazy, just wait until next year when we add another one for Baby Girl! (I'm going to need a bigger mantle).

One thing that I absolutely insisted on, traveling or not, baby bump or not, is the icicle lights on the house. I love love LOVE coming home to all the colorful lights all lit up. It's so festive! So my dear ol' Dad very lovingly came over one afternoon to climb around on my roof and put them up for me. (This is usually my job since Tony has a fear of heights beyond the second step of the step-ladder, but something about the idea of a five and a half month pregnant woman climbing around on the second story roof and my mother nixed that idea toot sweet and sent poor Dad out as a stand-in). But he did a fabulous job, and I love all the pretty pretty blue lights, so thanks Dad!
So I suppose that's it. Thanks for stopping by and checking out our little tender Tennessee Christmas. If you're here by way of the Nester, then leave a comment and I'll return the favor.

Have a safe and blessed holiday, ya'll!

11/25/10 Happy Thanksgiving Ya'll!

There's turkey and gravy and dressing and mashed potatoes and broccoli casserole calling my name, but I wanted to take a quick moment to jot down the things I'm thankful for (in no particular order) because it's important to remember.

Things I'm thankful for:

• This awesome little baby girl, who I didn't even know I could love so much, but now I can't imagine life without. I can't wait to meet her!
• A good book.
• The library, which feeds my insatiable book habit.
• My family, who loves me and cracks me up on a regular basis.
• My mom (who yes, is technically considered a part of the family, but gets her own shout out because she's been so incredibly supportive and knowledgeable and fabulous and has helped me through this pregnancy when I had NO FLIPPIN' CLUE what was happening). She goes to doctor appointments, makes all my nursery stuff, calms insecurities and indulges cookie cravings on a regular basis. This would be so much scarier without her.
• Tony, who is the best hubby anyone could possibly ask for, hands down, even when I don't tell him enough.
  
• Sonic cheese sticks. Oh my word, the cheesy goodness!
• Sleeping in late (Which I'm appreciating now because we're about to kiss those days goodbye!)
• The wonderful ladies I volunteer with. They are such a hoot!
• Catching all the green lights.
• My home, my city, my country, and the freedom that made them all possible.
• It being 70 degrees outside for Thanksgiving. I love you warm weather! Please don't ever leave me.
• You guys, who read and comment and write great blogs of your own. I do love spending my mornings with you.
  

So that's my list. What's on yours? Did I miss anything?

Thanksgiving comes to us out of the prehistoric dimness,
universal to all ages and all faiths,
At whatever straws we must grasp,
there is always a time for gratitude and new beginnings.
J. Robert Moskin

11/23/10 It's Crazy Cat Family Christmas Card Time!

Is it wrong that I'm ready for Christmas and it isn't even Thanksgiving yet? (Don't get me wrong...I'm more than ready for Thanksgiving also. Who wouldn't be ready for a holiday that makes it culturally acceptable to sit around stuffing yourself with delicious foods? Shoot, I've been ready for Thanksgiving since last Thanksgiving). But the Christmas-longing is something a bit more unusual. Usually it takes a while for me to get into my Christmas mood. (I blame the cold. Christmas I love, but it has the meteorological misfortune of always occurring when it's cold outside, and I just can't help but hold Christmas somewhat responsible for its poor choice of seasons. You've heard of that whole Christmas in July thing that car dealers try to pull out every now and then? I'm behind them 110%).

What was I talking about?

Oh right, getting in the mood for Christmas.

I suppose it doesn't hurt that I've been busy Christmas shopping. (My side is exchanging gifts at Thanksgiving this year so that we can all be together when we unwrap presents). Plus the satellite radio has started the "All Instrumental Christmas carols" channel, which I enjoy as background music. And all the TV commercials now feature people building snowmen or hanging lights or using their hemi-powered trucks to steal giant, already-decorated Christmas trees out of the ground from in front of some guy's trailer (yeah, not sure I get that one either). But you know what I'm really really excited about?

Christmas cards.

Ya'll know that we are all about the photo Christmas cards here in the House of Quirk. It started 7 years ago when Tony and I first got married, and I thought it would be just precious to have the two of us with the two cats. So we did. And even though we've changed states, and houses, and added three more cats since that first Christmas card, I've always thought that it was an awesome tradition. People love getting them from us, and we get more than a few photo cards from friends and family in return.

This year, of course, is going to be super awesome since it will be the first time most of our friends will be seeing the preggo belly. (Nothing says Merry Christmas like having a belly that resembles Santa Claus. Except my particular bowl full of jelly keeps punching me in the bladder). Anyway, in honor of the cuteness, I've spent the last several hours on the Shutterfly site, picking out my favorite Christmas card templates.

I think I've narrowed it down to these:

Pretty blue snowflakes

Blue Many Memories (or cats) Snowflake Card

Family Wall Blue Christmas Card

Pictures in Snow

Classic Scarlet

Sweet Cinnamon Collage

So these are my finalists. To see the winner, you'll just have to check your mail box.

Of course, Shutterfly has more than just the Christmas cards. They have invitations and wall calendars and photo ornaments too. And if you're a blogger (like yours truly) then you can get 50 free holiday cards just by blogging about them! (Which is a total holiday score!)

So get a Christmas-cardin'. With all this photo cheer available, I'm expecting an awesome card from you and yours this year.

10/3/10 10 Reasons

I saw this one on another blog and thought I'd give it a whirl. Beats what I was going to blog about, which was whining about how the football gods done treated my poor Tennessee Vols so, so wrong. (I'm still depressed. And yes, I'm taking it personally).

Anyway.

Here goes:

10 Reasons I'm Glad it's Fall:

10. Wearing jeans all the time now means I don't have to shave my legs as often anymore.

9. Boot season means you can get away with wearing that one pair of weird socks with the stripes that you purchased in a moment of temporary insanity and no one will ever know.

8. 2 words. Halloween Candy. I love a world where I can be anywhere in a grocery store and still be within two steps of the Twix fun size bars.

7. For better or worse, I still consider the hoodie the best fashion invention ever.

6. Sleeping with the windows open allows all the loose cat hair to blow out. It's like nature's way of dusting for me while I sleep!

5. Sweatshirts never need ironing.

4. Bonfires. And s'mores. And setting marshmallows on fire while you just eat the chocolate bar and ignore the graham crackers completely.

3. Crock pot meals! My idea of "home cooking" is tossing various ingredients into the slow cooker and letting that bad boy go to town for 8 or 10 hours.

2. All the weeds in my yard call it a season and give up the ghost (until next spring anyway).

1. There's always another football game next week. Even if a certain team played their little hearts out against LSU, only to win and then get it called back on a penalty for too many men on the field OF ALL THINGS. We had that stinky LSU team beat I tell you! But at least there's always next week.

How about you? Is it feeling like fall where you are yet? What's on your top 10 list?

7/5/10 Fourth of July

Happy 4th of July Interpeeps! Hope your holiday was filled with friends and grilled meat and managing to keep all of your fingers from being blown away when you went to inspect that Roman Candle that didn't go off like it was supposed to.

I spent mine down with the extended fam in Savannah.

Tony and I went down to see a cousin get married on Saturday, and then stayed for the festivities through Monday. The wedding was lovely, the reception afterward was fun, and the food was plentiful. What more can you really ask for, right?

On Sunday, the whole family got together for a pool party/cookout/extreme croquet tourny. Mom pushed Tony in the pool with all his clothes on, I ate my body weight in boiled peanuts (a Southern staple!), everyone managed to keep their croquet balls out of the dog poo and fire-ant hazards (told you it was extreme) and a generally good time was had by all.

I guess that's really what the 4th of July is all about, right? The freedom to get married, eat burgers, and whack your cousin's ball as far away from the wicket as possible. To take turns seeing who can make the biggest splash off the diving board, listen to uncles tell ridiculous stories about growing up with your dad, and eat that second (or third, or twelfth) red, white and blue sprinkled cookie.

I know our country isn't perfect. Heaven knows we make all kinds of mistakes, but at least they are ours to make. We chose it, for better or worse, protected it in blood and lives lost, and try our best to remember those values that the founding fathers wanted us to live by. Liberty, justice, and okay, maybe one more of those sugar cookies.

God bless America.

4/3/10 Playing With My Food: The Easter Edition

You know what I love about Easter? I mean, besides celebrating our risen Lord and all?

The excuse to draw on desserts with gel icing.

Gel icing is one of those things that you can only use on special occasions, you know? Like a holiday or someone's birthday, but never just because it's a Monday. (Which is probably a good thing after all seeing how Monday happens 52 times a year and would greatly increase my dessert intake, thus making the April Challenge much more difficult).

But I digress.

The point is that Easter IS a special holiday, and special holidays call for gel icing on dessert. And since gel icing on cake is so last year, I threw off the yoke of Easter traditions past and decided to go in a radical new direction.

Mainly, rice krispie treats.

But not just ANY rice krispie treats, mind you! I give you special Easter Egg Rice Krispie treats! If you've ever made rice krispie treats the regular way, you'll recognize this first part. (And if you haven't, then you have my sympathies, you poor krispie-less fool. Crawl out from under your rock immediately and make these right now because IT IS HIGH TIME YOU EXPERIENCED LIFE THROUGH CRUNCHY GOOEY DESSERT MY FRIEND).

Ready? Good.

Multi-hued Easter Egg Rice Krispie Treat Recipe- now with Gel Icing piping!
(AND bad photography AND possibly dangerous step-by-step instructions!)

Note before we get started: I made mine using three different colored "eggs". Each color gets its own marshmallow batch, so that's why we're using such small quantities here. If you want to be all boring and just do one color, then feel free to dump the entire 10 oz of marshmallows, 3 tbsp butter and 6 cups of krispies in at once. (Just know that the rest of us are talking about you behind your back).
1. Put 1 tbsp butter and 3.33 oz (roughly 12-15 regular sized marshmallows) in a bowl. Microwave on high 1 minute. (There's also a way that you can do this in a pot on the stove, but why would you since nuking it only takes one minute? Quit being difficult). After 60 seconds, stir in food coloring color of your choice.
2. Add 2 cups of krispies to freaky colored goo and stir.
3. Let that bad boy cool for a few minutes, but not so long that it completely sets up. (If you're doing multiple color batches, I find that letting this one cool while repeating the first two steps in another bowl is a nice way to pass the time).
4. Cover hands in butter. No, this isn't leading to anything kinky. This keeps the marshmallow/krispie goo from sticking to your hands. I mean, they'll still stick somewhat, but not as bad. Trust me, this step is vital.
5. Grab a hunk of krispie goodness and shape it into an egg-like orb. Basically, make a ball, lengthen it to an oval shape, the make one end slightly larger than the other. It doesn't have to be perfect. (Be warned however, if you didn't let it cool enough in step 3, you'll be sticking your hands into molten hot marshmallow which will not only burn like a mother, but also refuse to unstick from your seared flesh as you run screaming from the kitchen. Don't say I didn't warn you).
6. Line your little egg creations up on wax paper, or foil, or on a non-stick cookie sheet and stick them in the fridge to set. 5 or 10 minutes will do.
7. Now comes the fun part! Grab your tube of frosting/gel icing/chocolate/whatever floats your boat and go to town! The idea is that they aren't just eggs, they're EASTER eggs, so decorate to your heart's content. Want sprinkles too? Go for it. These babies are like the Faberge eggs of the dessert world, so there's no such thing as too gaudy. In fact, I just happened to have gel icing with sparkles (!!!) so not only are my eggs all decorated, but they sparkle too! (I know, I know. You're looking at the picture going, "What the heck is that?" It's just a lousy photo. Trust me, they look cuter in person.)

8. Now that they're all decorated, arrange your krispie creations in a clean basket. You can even put them on a bed of green coconut shaving "grass" if you want. Presentation is part of the fun.
9. Arrive to your family gathering/Easter party/whatever with beautiful basket full of beautiful rice krispie treat goodness. Accept compliments for being culinary genius. And remember to hide one for yourself for later, because everyone loves Rice Krispie treats and these babies are not going to last long.


Here's hoping your Easter (or non-denominational spring festival equivalent) is full of joy and laughter. And food. And possibly green food-colored hands. But mostly joy and laughter.

12/31/09 Out With the Old, In With the New

So. It's the last day of 2009.

I figured that I, like most bloggers, would do the traditional quick recap of the past year, but when I sat down to it, there just wasn't really much of the year that I wanted to remember. Don't get me wrong...it wasn't an awful year or anything. I was, and continue to be, incredibly blessed. It's just that I feel like I've been stagnant most of the year. Waiting on something. Trying to figure out where I'm really supposed to be going. Caught in a moment of static indecision for the past 365 days.

Of course, when I sat down to run through what my favorite bloggers on my blogroll were thinking, I was shocked that most of them seemed to be feeling the same way. (This is why I love my blog world...it gives me the ability to share more intimate thoughts with strangers that I've never physically met than I do with people I've known for years. And that comforts me more than they know).

Erin is plagued with fear of failure as she prepares to jump into new things in 2010 (although I know she will be fabulous). Big Mama admits that she spent most of this past year searching for answers also. (Her line here, "It’s been a year of me wanting to know all the answers, but at the same time realizing that knowing all the answers doesn’t require faith." totally blew me away. I mean, smacked me right between the eyes like a wrecking ball. To quote a Batman comic, "Bam! Ker-plow! Zowwie!". It's like she was talking to me personally.) So there's definitely comfort in that. For everything that 2009 did or did not throw at me, at least I'm not the only one. It's not been the greatest year, but I think that we all may feel a little bit closer because we came through it together.

So what's new for 2010, you ask? Well, it's time to take action again. This past year was great for resting and playing and taking stock of what was really important to me, but now it's time to go again. I'm ready to move forward again. To challenge myself. To grow. I admit that I'm a little scared that I have no idea what that will entail, but I'm ready for it nonetheless.

Bring it on, 2010.

12/28/09 The Christmas Recap: Did I Mention the Part Where We Eat?

Hooooo-boy what a Christmas! I'm hoping all of you had a safe and fabulous holiday. Things were certainly merry and bright over here at the House of Quirk. The Seester and her hubby flew in from Chicago (not on a plane with terrorists and their exploding pants, thankfully) so the whole family was together for all the wassailing and yuling and merrying we could manage.

We started out early on Christmas Eve morning, doing what the Quirk family does best, which is eating. There's a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant called Gracie's out in Maryville that does authentic Southern cooking, and anybody who knows anything about good eatin' heads for Gracie's for breakfast. It'll take 10 years off of your life because Mama Gracie herself is back in the kitchen drowning everything in lard and butter and transfat deliciousness, but it's totally worth it because you will die with a smile (and fresh biscuit crumbs) on your lips.

After a fortifying breakfast of biscuits and gravy with a side of bacon and more gravy, the family headed over to the mall to pick out the official family Christmas ornament for 2009. It's a bit of a tradition that each year we get an official ornament depicting ourselves as teddy bears or penguins or whatever the ornament makers decided to group six of a kind of for that particular year. That done, we sent the boys home and Mom and the Seester and I headed to a sports store for a bit of last minute stocking stuffer shopping (where we also accosted a stranger in the checkout line, but that's a story for another day).

Having eluded store security, we headed home to bake-and I'm not exaggerating here-five boxes of brownie mix and 2 boxes of cake mix. (I told you that the Quirky family liked to eat). We made them in holiday shaped cake tin things and then decorated them with colorful icing. (They were adorable, although Heaven knows I'm going into a diabetic coma just thinking about them).

Then Tony and I took off for the Midnight Christmas Eve Mass (actually held at 9pm), which is, as always, lovely to behold (even with the woman next to me who sang lustily despite being completely tone-deaf. Kudos to you, woman who can't carry a tune in a bucket. Good for you for not letting the not-so-subtle glances from the people three pews in front not dampen your Christmas spirit).

Christmas morning has us back over at Mom and Dad's for the official opening of the presents. (I received a Dremel Multi-max (score!), some Van Gogh reproductions, a new PDA cover, The Big Bang Theory Season 2, a spa gift certificate, and a zippered hoodie with Tony's hockey team name on the front). Then it was over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house to chow down with the whole extended family (hence all the brownies and cakes). Christmas Day night saw us back at Mom and Dad's house, where the guys watched the Batman: Dark Night DVD (a Christmas present) while Mom, the Seester and I played cards in the kitchen. (I trounced them thoroughly).

On Saturday, Tony and I headed out to Turkey Creek to pick this up:

It's his new shiny red Dodge Dakota extended cab pickup truck. (It wasn't technically a Christmas present...the heat had gone out in his old truck and it would have cost half of the blue book value to fix it so we just traded it in for this bad boy). It's used pre-owned, but the former owners totally tricked it out with every optional chrome doohickey and truck-y gadget possible, so to say that Tony loooooooooooves it would be an understatement. He's named it Magnum because of the V8 engine. I call it P.O.R.T (Pimped Out Red Truck).

While Tony was out thinking up pointless errands to run in his new truck, I spent the afternoon with the Seester and Melanie. We laughed until we cried at some Youtube videos (they deserve to be a post of their own), and then various family members showed up for a rip-roaring poker game that evening. (The Seester's hubby, Patto, ended up wiping the floor with everyone. Cough!shark!cough!)

The Seester had to head back to Chicago on Sunday (booooo!), but we managed to get in another meal (surprise surprise) at a Japanese Hibachi place and then three games of bowling at the local bowling lanes first. (Why bowling? I have no idea. It's not like any of us have bowled in years, and none of us are really very good. I argued hard for the kiddie bumpers, but was eventually voted down). We did guys against girls, and had each managed to win one when my team totally imploded in the third game. (We were plagued by injury...otherwise I am confident that we would have smoked them). Still, a fun time was had by all, despite the fact that I cannot move my shoulder today.

So that was our Christmas. Lots of family, lots of laughing, lots and lots of food. I had to take most of today just to recover from it all. (Of course, I also maintain that those are the best kinds of holidays to have). I know it's a long post...I'm sorry. Feel free to read it in installments if that helps. Take your time.

I'll just be over here eating the remaining two dozen brownies.