Raccoon 1, Humans 0

Well, we still have a raccoon in the attic. He's doing quite well actually, and doesn't seem at all concerned that we would rather him relocate elsewhere. A quick inspection reveals that Mr. Raccoon has rearranged some insulation and generally made himself at home in our home.

We retaliated by calling in the "wildlife relocation specialists", (who are basically the Mafia for the animal world), and they came out to the house to make the raccoon an offer he couldn't refuse: Heh heh, we got youze now Mista Raccoon! You'ze in trouble now Mista Raccoon! (Said in my best Italian mafia thug accent)

Anyway, our goon wildlife relocation specialist, Trapper Dan, thought he'd try a little raccoon intimidation. He came out to the house, dug around in the attic, and then went outside and promptly fell off the roof.

Yes, you read that correctly. Trapper Dan fell off of our roof. Don't worry, he didn't seriously hurt himself...just a few scrapes on his leg. (He did however, land on my good flower pot, which is now smashed into tiny pieces, thank you very much Trapper Dan). Sadly, the raccoon did not find this at all intimidating. In fact, you could hear him laughing all the way from the attic.

Not to worry though, Trapper Dan has a plan! After dusting himself off, he presented us with an estimate for thousands of dollars worth of future raccoon prevention. One option involved spraying our house with an anti-animal scent, which Trapper Dan explained was necessary because the raccoon had probably marked his territory on our attic. You would think that if the raccoon had sprayed our attic as his own, that would tell other animals to stay away, but no! According to Trapper Dan, raccoon spray really translates to "Come on in guys! I'm hosting a kegger up here!" Luckily for us, Trapper Dan has a special scent of his own that sends out a "Dude! My parents came home early!" anti-party smell. He's also willing to spray this all over our house for the low low price of $1000. (I'm wondering how bad this stuff smells if it's potent enough to chase off animals that usually eat out of garbage cans). No thanks Trapper Dan.

So we told Trapper Dan we'd think it over and sent him limping along his way. In the mean time, we're trying to block the access to the attic so it will at least be harder for the raccoon to just stroll right in, you know, like he owns the place.

If that doesn't deter him, we may have no choice but to go back to the illustrious services of the ever graceful Trapper Dan...and there's no telling what he'll fall off of next.


Becoming Me said...

This post made me laugh out loud. Very loudly, I might add.

Erin said...

Okay, I'm giggling quite profusely here. Trapper Dan...hee, hee : )

Anonymous said...

Haha! You're funny! Thanks to Antique Mommy for her guest post and sending me over here! I'm enjoying your blog!

The Roaming Southerner said...

Wow, that is one of the funniest things I have read in a long an ode to Antique mommy will have to be written for bringing me the joys of this post!

Heather said...

Uh-oh, poor Trapper Dan!

You are a great storyteller, Quirky! I'm adding you to my reader. I think I need more quirky in my life!

mrinz said...

Great post - I fell about laughing!
We have possums (Australian imports) here in new Zealand and I imagine they must be a bit like raccoons - all claws and teeth if cornered.