Dearest sweet Baby Girl,
We've been together 35 weeks now, and Mommy adores you, heart of my heart, flesh of my flesh, but we really need to discuss this desire of yours to constantly hang out inside my rib cage.
I know that space is a little limited in there, and there's not exactly a view, so you may be a little bored. I get that. But to use Mommy's rib cage as a jungle gym? Not feeling so good for me, sweetheart. Mommy feels like she's gone 12 rounds with a professional boxer (the kind who delights in crushing body blows...not the ear biting. Ear biting might actually be a nice change) and her ribs are more than a little bruised.
And I know my lungs make a fabulous bouncy castle, and you enjoy jumping on them all hours of the day and night, but if you don't let Mommy breathe every now and then, she's not going to make it this last month. (In fact, Mommy can't even remember what a nice deep breath feels like. She has heard of heart attack patients describing the whole "elephant on the chest" sensation, but she thinks this is nothing compared to the "elephant IN the chest" that you insist upon).
I promise that there are all kinds of fun toys waiting for you when you come out. You have a swing and a bouncy seat and a fun floor activity mat, and I'm not above using them as bribery if you'll just scoot down just a few inches and give Mommy a break. Pretty, pretty please?
In fact, why don't we climb off of Mommy's lungs right now and practice kicking Daddy for a while? I know this is your favorite thing, since putting "your" tummy up against Daddy's back is the only thing that sends you racing out of your rib cage fort and down to where Daddy's kidneys wait for you to attack. (Good thing Daddy is such a good sport- trying to sleep on his side while you kick him in the lower back all night long). Really, I'm not sure why you love this game so much. Is it because his back is warm? Or because he's in "your" space? Or is this just a fun way to play with Daddy? No matter. Kicking Daddy gets you out of my ribs for a few precious moments so attack away, my darling.
We only have a few more weeks left like this, so try to cut Mommy some slack. If you do, I promise I will build you a real fort as soon as you come out. And you can use it to ambush Daddy all you want.
Your battered mother.