9/9/08 Dear Lou

Dear Lou Piniella,
Please make your Cubbies play better, because they have now lost seven out of the past eight games, and while I personally could care less, it makes the hubby cranky when you lose. I tried to tell Tony (that’s my dear hubby, by the way, and a lifelong Cubs fan at that) that he shouldn’t be surprised because you guys ALWAYS choke whenever it gets close to playoff time, but Tony is a true Cubbies optimist, and he actually thought that since you were winning earlier in the season, this year might actually be “your year”. So you see Lou? All of Tony’s hopes and playoff dreams are depending on you and your stinky team not to blow it.

Now, while it’s true that I mostly sit on the couch and read while the game is on, Tony’s anguished cries have caused me to glance up often enough that I have noticed some things that might help you out.

Number one: Don’t let the other team score so many points. The Reds are stinky! You let a stinky team beat you! This mostly happened because you let them score a lot. Try not to let this happen with St. Louis tonight.

Number two (and this one is important, Lou): Score some runs. You seem to be very good at getting guys on base, but you’re missing the part where you actually bring them around to run across home plate. They have to actually touch home plate in order to get a point. 10 guys stranded on base on Saturday! This makes Tony very sad, which in turn makes me sad. You’ve got the hard part down…now just finish it by running to home plate.

Number Three: it doesn’t count to get 14 runs in one game but none in the other seven. It’s not collective across the season. You have to score the most points in each game for you to get the win. I just wanted to make that clear because I notice that you guys tend to rack up the points one game and then not hit anything the next three. It’s not NASCAR. You have to win each time.

Number Four: This doesn’t have anything to do with winning, but I thought I would bring it up anyway. The spitting in the dugout? Very gross Lou. I don’t care if it is just sunflower seeds. Spitting is yucky. You shouldn’t let the players do that. No one wants to see that. It’s just gross. Your women fans are very turned off by all the hocking up of phlegm and spittle and who know what else. Cease with the spitting.

There you go. I’m no baseball expert, but I think if you follow my suggestions you’ll be back to winning in no time. (And then you’ll get to the playoffs where you’ll lose in the first round, but hey, you’re cursed by a goat so that’s to be expected). In the mean time, try not to upset Tony so much. Despite a lifetime of evidence to the contrary, he still thinks you guys have a chance. Plus, he works hard, and he deserves to come home and watch his beloved baseball without getting all bummed when you lose.

Thanks for understanding,
Quirky