4/1/09 Spring Break 2009: The Ant Version

Well, the ants are back again. Every year around this time, the ants make their spring break travel plans to our house. And every year, Tony goes all blitzkrieg on their little ant butts. This year the ants are taking advantage of the terrific travel deals and instead of only vacationing in our kitchen like in years past, have now decided to see the world and invade the living room and the upstairs office.

(Can't you see the little ant travel agents with their little ant travel posters? "Oh if you loved your trip to The Kitchen, you're going to LOVE The Office! It features an all you can eat buffet of exotic foods like kitty kibble...I know!...and several visitors have told me that you can also find potato chip crumbs right around the computer this time of year...it's just faaaabulous! And you're never gonna get a better deal on a 14 day cruise to The Office than right now...)

Meanwhile, Tony has diversified in his arsenal of ant killing chemicals. We have the sprays, we have the traps, we have the exterior line of defense, we have the bait that they're supposed to carry back to the queen. It's gotten so bad that Raid is bypassing the middle-man completely and sending their sales guys to make house calls directly to us. (Tony's negotiating a deal for a Raid distribution center to be erected right in the back yard).

I'm not sure what it is about these ants that bothers him so much. I mean, nobody really likes ants, but they aren't fire ants, or biting ants, or those ants from Australia that can carry off chickens and small dogs and the like. They're just your run of the mill little black ants. And when you think about it, if they're down eating all the potato chip crumbs, then that's less vacuuming for me, right? As long as they don't get greedy, I say live and let live.

Not that Tony would ever go for that. Nonononono, the ants must be annihilated, and it must be done NOW! He even went as far as to talk to the professional exterminator at work, and that guy told him that the best over-the-counter ant destroyer is this liquid stuff called Toro. You put it out, the ants come roll around in it, take it back to the colony, spread it around, and eventually it sterilizes the queen ant so there will be no more baby ants. (Basically, it's like liquid Chlamydia). So now we have Toro. And Tony gleefully smeared it all over the house. And then laughed his evil maniacal ant-killing laugh.

But here's the rub:

You can't kill the ants. You have to let the ants live so they can make it back to the colony. According to the plan, the ants come in, they backstroke through the liquid, and they invite all of their ant friends over for a cookout and pool party, they hang out, but YOU CAN'T KILL THEM! You just have to wait until they get sunburned and decide to call it a day. It's making Tony crazy.

"WHY WON'T THEY LEAVE?!" he yells, "LOOK AT ALL THESE ANTS! AND I HAVE TO LEAVE THEM ALONE!" He spends hours every evening checking on our ever-growing ant kegger. He is the quintessential grouchy old neighbor on the street full of poorly supervised high-school kids. "GO HOME!" he orders them. "THIS PARTY IS OVER! DON'T MAKE ME CALL THE COPS!"

The ants ignore him. They are too busy doing a conga-line around the "pool", drinking too much and gettin' jiggy with it. According to Toro, it can take up to two weeks before the ant population is under control. Tony is livid.

It's going to be one heck of a party.