5/8/07 Tony's War

Tony is in the middle of a war. The enemy outnumbers him, and they are wily, but Tony battles on bravely. Who is his stealthy enemy? Ants. Every year around this time, the ants that normally live outside our house decide that it would be muuuuch nicer to move out of their houses and into our house. (I personally think that the ants do not have air conditioning in their little ant homes, so as the weather warms up, they seek out our trane-powered coolness. I know I would). The breech in our security seems to be through a tiny crevice between the wall and the kitchen window. The ants engage in gorilla warfare, sneaking in under the cover of darkness after Tony has gone to bed. Tony counters with chemical warfare. He started with the little ant hotels on the counter. (This was the tactic that was successful last year when warding off the invaders). But No! The ants are smarter than that now. (Their spies have obviously raided our garbage and read the back of the ant hotel box, because they were familiar with the various ant hotel designs and have thus have been able to avoid them). I am playing the part of Switzerland in this war and remaining completely neutral. These ants are not even fire ants. They are just little tiny black ants. Bothersome solely because they are on the counter when they aren't supposed to be, but hardly possessing nuclear capabilities. A rebel uprising at worst. Tony, however, believes in the slippery slope of ant wars. You show the ants any weakness, and they'll double their invasion attempts. Ants taking over the house! Ants carrying us out and tossing us in the yard! Ants changing the locks so that we can't get back in! (Oh the humanity!) When Tony discovered that the ants were laughing at his little ant hotels, he switched to poisoned ant bait. "They take it back to the nest!", he laughed maniacally, "kills the whole colony! Even the queen!" (Now, I am technically against the killing of women and children ants just as collateral damage, but the ants also refused to participate in my peace talks, so what can I say? They've now invaded my kitchen sink). So the poison ant bait goes out, and I can no longer use my kitchen for my own food prep. The ants however, are also wise to this tactic, and are carrying their own food rations with them. So not only did the not eat the bait but they made a very big production out of not eating said bait. They would march in a nice straight line right up to it, do a precision right face, and forward march right around it. (I think that this was deliberately done to break Tony's spirit). What the ants did not count on though, was how far Tony was willing to go just to eradicate the usurpers. No more hotels, no more bait, no more Mr. Nice Guy. A spray was purchased. Guaranteed to wipe them out on contact. An ant atomic bomb, if you will. As soon as we saw it, the cats and I hit the deck (well, the back porch anyway). This stuff smells terrible! And true to his word, after Tony thoroughly doused the kitchen with it, not an ant was left standing. Of course, no other living thing can now enter the kitchen, including us, so the kitchen has essentially become a radioactive wasteland, but at least we showed those ants a thing or two. Well, right up until next year, when the ants will resume their annual border dispute once again.