12/18/07 Wanted: Dead or Alive

Last night I discovered that apparently, I am a fugitive of the law (or as Boss Hog would say, "A fug-it-tave of tha laaaaaawh"). I know this is a shock for everyone, being that I always came across as a law abiding citizen with a healthy respect for the rules. (Trust me, it was a shock for me too).

Last night, I received a letter in the mail from the Knoxville Traffic Police, who have accused me of running a red light on one December 3rd at precisely 4:07pm.

WHAT?!? I'm Innocent, I tell ya. Innocent!

Of course, I immediately questioned the validity of such a ridiculous accusation, but the police (perhaps expecting this kind of response) also thoughtfully included damning evidence of my apparent lawlessness in the form of three pictures of the crime in progress.

The first photo is my car before approaching the red light; the second is my car passing under the red light, and the third is a close-up photo of my license plate as I blatantly drove away.

Uh. Well...hmmm. That complicates my defense somewhat.

I SWEAR I have no recollection of this red light. I remember the area...I was coming back to work from a trip to the dentist, which is the only time I ever pass through this part of town. But I don't remember the red light. Or the red light cameras, for that matter. My only defense is that according to the citation, the light changed 0.49 seconds before I passed it. HALF a second! I couldn't have stopped in time if I tried. I was already all the way through the intersection by the time the light had been red for one second. Give me a break here!

Tony LOVES that this happened. Most husbands would be angry. Not Tony. He's just giddy that I got caught running a red light. Now he can taunt me with it. This totally made his day. "Bad Goose!", he admonishes sternly. "Don't make me take away your car keys!" (Like he could). It only makes it worse that he has a perfect driving record (another thing he likes to remind me of frequently). He can't even stop laughing long enough to lecture me.

Yeah, laugh it up, big boy. The fates will avenge me for all your snickering. It's only a matter of time before you're arrested for running over a Grandma in a parking lot or something.

For all you people out in Internet land who are now convinced that I'm a horrible driver and should be locked up for being a danger to society, let me just say that I NEVER (until now) run red lights. I applauded the city for installing those red light cameras and making the streets safer. And despite my new $50 forced donation to the Red Light Photo Enforcement Program, I still feel that way.

And I'll gladly pay another $50 if someone can arrange a picture of Tony running a red light too.