Did I Mention the Fiery Molten Shards of Glass?

Oh ya'll, I caught the funk. And not the fun dancing funk either. The black plague of death funk. I'd been tired for a few days, but I thought it was just because of some recent insomnia (it comes and goes). But then, during the one night that I was actually able to go to sleep, I woke up at about 2am and thought, "Oh no! I've accidentally swallowed shards of glass!". (Hey, it seemed plausible at 2am. I'm not one of those 'instantly coherent upon waking' people even on the best of days). I got up and got a throat lozenge and then tried to go back to bed, but sadly, once you realize that you've swallowed shards of fiery molten glass, there's no going back to sleep. Except maybe for a second...right before your alarm goes off, because that way you can feel sick AND groggy when you drag yourself out of bed. And no, there's no way that I can stay in bed and just call in sick because there's a ton of new stuff going on at work, and I'm interviewing people for my thesis, and I'd never be able to get all of those people rescheduled. Never. So I hauled my draggy funk-filled self into work to spread my germs of joy with all my co-workers and several members of senior management. (I'm a firm believer that misery loves company). Then I went home as soon as I could and fell face-down on the couch and stayed there in a funk-induced coma.

The next morning, the fiery molten glass shards were back, and my ears hurt, and OH MY GOODNESS THE PRESSURE! You know how your ears pop when you change altitudes? Now imagine that you can't get your ears to pop, and the pressure just keeps building and building and building until your head is threatening to explode and you have desperate thoughts like, "VanGogh was right! I could just cut it off!" and "If I stab myself in the ear with this pencil, would it relieve the pressure?" I'm pretty sure that I've come down with the very rare sinus infection with strep throat and ear infection and side of Black Plague of Death. Do you pity me yet? I'm in serious need of pity.

Of course, if anyone else was going through this, I'd be channeling Mr. T and being all "Go to the doctor fool!" And that's good advice, it really is. But...I can't. The sinus infection with strep throat and ear infection and side of Black plague of death couldn't have picked a worse time. I'm completely and totally booked until oh, next Wednesday. No time to be sick. Missing meetings and training sessions now would have long-term ramifications. Maybe worse than death itself, which I'm beginning to think wouldn't be so bad if it meant that I wouldn't feel my ears and throat. So yes, I know going to the doctor would be a good move, but I don't have a GP, which means being a new patient somewhere, and filling out 80 bazillion forms, and spending most of a day sitting in the waiting room with a bunch of other sick people, and I just can't swing that right now. Yeah, yeah, I know. My health is very important. Don't judge me. Go back to that pity thing. That was nice.

So here I am. Struggling through my meetings by completely ignoring the recommended dosage limits on throat lozenges and sprays and cold and sinus pills. I'll see if the weekend revives me, and if not, I'll try to take a few hours to see someone on Monday. Assuming of course that the sinus infection with strep throat and ear infection and side of Black Plague of Death doesn't finish me off before then. If that happens, I'm gonna need you to bump the pity up a couple more notches.


Nicole said...

I pitty you. Do you want help from my penguin friend.

Anonymous said...

For Heaven's sake, child! There is an in-and-out clinic at CVS just for your type (the type that thinks the world will quit spinning if you don't do EVERYTHING on your over-loaded plate) and it only takes 15 minutes. Go and then you will truly be worthy of the pity you so desire!