Taking The Stairs

So guess what little Ms-I'm-so-smart-cause-I-gots-me-this-big-fancy-MBA (that's me, by the way) did today?

Locked herself in the stairwell. Oh yes.

Ye Ole Company makes us wear these ID badges that get us in and out of different areas. They say it's to keep us safe, but you and I both know that it's so that The Man can track my movement throughout the day. "What's this? Prisoner 315 is away from her desk AGAIN? That's the third time today she's been to the bathroom!"

Anyway, I usually put it on on my way into work cause I need it to get in the front door, but today I managed to time it right so that someone else had already gone through the door, and I just slipped in on their coat-tails. Haha! Take that Ye Ol Big Brother! Only because I didn't need it to get in the front door, I never took it out of my purse. Which means that I didn't put it on my little zippy line ID badge holder thing that I wear.

Which is how I ended up locked in the stairwell when I took the stairs down a floor to cook my lunch. (Taking the stairs to the kitchen means lunches are calorie-free, right?) Anyway, It was one of those things where are soon as the door clicked behind me, I knew I was in trouble. My hand flew to my side where my badge always hangs, but alas, no badge.

And no one else in the stairwell to save me.

"Crap! Crap! Crapcrapcrappity-crap crap!" I yelled. (Which makes a really nice echo in the stairwell, by the way. I could hear myself yelling crap on every floor, which was kinda neat). That doesn't exactly get me out, but it is less lonely. Something to remember.

I considered kicking the door and yelling until someone came to rescue me, but I figured that nothing says dork quite like locking yourself in the stairwell and then kicking and screaming until someone lets you out. Somehow that's not what I want to be known for around here. Plus I would be really really embarrassed when they came to open the door, and I wasn't quite that desperate yet.

On the other hand, I don't want someone years from now to stumble upon my scattered bones, propped up next to the 4th floor door, clutching my little Healthy Choice frozen pizza and the remains of the mouth forming the word "crap". Without my badge, they probably wouldn't even be able to identify the body. I'd be mystery stairwell girl for the rest of eternity.

Decisions. Decisions.

Finally, I decided that I'd just wait quietly for some other unsuspecting stair user to come out, and then I'd just pretend that I was just about to open the door anyway. The picture of nonchalance. Yes sir! No pathetic loitering in the stairway here! Just going about my business.

So I stood next to the 4th floor door, poised in such as way as to look industrious and not AT ALL like a sap who locked herself in the stairway. And I waited. And I waited. And I waited.
This was taking longer than I thought. Does NO ONE use the stairs?!? What kind of lazy bum co-workers do I have here? Don't tell me that everyone would rather ride the elevator than take one lousy flight of-

Wait! I just heard the door open! Only it's down on the third floor! Can I catch it? If I don't try, then I may just be standing here forever!

***Me and my rapidly thawing Healthy Choice Pizza hoof it down a flight of stairs, only to watch the door close right as I get to the bottom.***

"Double Crapcrapcrappity-crap crap!" Still locked in the stairway! This is getting annoying! I'm not spending my whole lunch hour locked in the stairway! If I have to, I'll go down and use the emergency exit at the bottom! I don't care if it does say Alarm will sound! Let the alarm sound! At least that would force my slovenly elevator-riding co-workers to use the stairs as they evacuate the building! Ha! That'll teach them! They should-

"Excuse me. Did you forget your badge? Do you need someone to let you back in?"

A co-worker is holding the door open for me. She looks a little disturbed that I've pacing and glaring and red-faced out here in the stairwell all by myself. I've probably been ranting out loud too. I do that.

"Who me? I wasn't...that is to say that I haven't...I was just...yes please".

She steps out of the way to let me through. Waaaay out of the way. Like she wants to put as much distance between us as possible. Like I'm some kind of stairway psycho crazy person. I keep my head down and mumble my thanks without making eye contact. Just like that, I'm Crazy Stairwell Girl.

The elevator is looking mighty good right now.


cndymkr / jean said...

Thank you for the laugh! I am melting here and I needed the giggle to get thru this heat wave.

Jean said...

LOL! I never actually thought of The Man keeping track of my every move with the door badge. It all makes sense now.
I actually have 2 keeping the man down door cards/badges. One for work and one for daycare. Yep they know my every move.
It's almost sad when your life depends on one little card.

Erin said...

Oh goodness, girl you are funny! I bet if I got locked in a stairwell I'd have more interesting things to blog about : )

Anonymous said...

Hahahahaha, I nearly peed my pants at this one...

Elaine A. said...

I would be bummed too if I was stuck in a stair well with just a healthy choice pizza. I mean at least lock me in there with some chocolate. Geez!

Glad you got out ok. ; )