7/24/08 Practice Makes...Your Teammates Think Of Ways To Kill You And Make It Look Like An Accident

So I had my first softball practice last night.

It wasn't pretty. A one-armed coma patient with leprosy could play better softball.

I guess that I had hoped that I had magically improved in the sixteen years that I hadn't been playing. Like maybe, even though I hadn't touched a softball, my throwing arm and depth perception and batting would have improved somewhat. Maybe I'm a softball natural and I don't even know it!

Yeah, not so much. If possible, I was even worse that I was when I was 12. And that's really really saying something.

They started me out at second base. They told me where to stand, and lobbed a ball very gently in my direction. I missed it. Then I ran to pick it up and tried to throw it back to the pitcher. And he missed it, which wasn't that hard to understand due to the fact that I threw it in the dirt, 15 feet to his right.

Seems I have some issues with throwing accuracy.

They lobbed another ball. I missed it.

A grounder. I missed it.

An easy pop fly that a two year old could catch. I missed it.

Wincing glances from all the men on the team to each other. Ones that said, "Uh-oh. She really IS as bad as she says she is". False modesty is not one of my sins.

They decided to try me at catcher. I go behind the plate and squat in the dirt. (Tell me again why would anyone think that this is fun?) I don't know how to hold my glove to catch the ball. The pitcher lobs the first ball and it hits me in the chest and knocks me back onto my rear. (Great. And these were my brand new yoga pants too. This dirt better not stain!) I try again. I don't like playing catcher. I'm afraid the bat is going to hit me. I'm afraid the ball is going to hit me. I'm afraid my own teammates are going to hit me and then bury me in the woods so that they don't have to play with me anymore.

The other girls that swore that they couldn't play softball either are disgustingly good. I hate them.

It's my turn to bat. Maybe I'm a super good batter. Maybe I'll knock one out of the park! Wouldn't THAT surprise them? Maybe that's my secret weapon! Yeah, she sucks at catching and throwing, but she's got a killer bat!

I do not have a killer bat.

Unless you count my teammates beating themselves in the head with it to put themselves out of my misery. Which they appeared to be seriously considering. I did managed to hit some of the balls. And I hit them very well...right back to the pitcher. Who then turned and executed a beautiful double play. Every. Single. Time. (Sigh. It seems I have managed to hang on to my reign as the double play queen).

If this was a reality show, they would have voted me off the island by now.

Finally, they put me way out in right field where no one ever hits the ball. On the one hand, it was nice because I got to admire the wildflowers on the other side of the fence. On the other hand, I'm not going to get any better unless they give me some practice. I need to have Tony show me some mechanics. Like how to bat. And catch. And throw.

I have two weeks before the first game. I need a miracle.