8/28/07 Pass the Gravy, Baby.

The state obesity rankings are back, and it turns out that my beloved home state is full of fatties. (Well, maybe not full of fatties...just 27.8% fatties). Tennessee tied with South Carolina for fifth fattest state. Louisiana was 4th, Alabama was third, West Virginia was second, and Mississippi was first. Why so husky? The AP article thinks that the bulkiness is linked to poverty, because poorer people buy lots of cheap processed foods with a high fat content. I'm not buying that poor-little-fat-state thing. There are plenty of portly rich people here. No, I think the link is the weather...and gravy.

Did you notice that all the fat states are southern states? And that southern states are currently blanketed under the oppressive southern heat and humidity for about eight months out of the year? Coincidence? I think not.

Here's how it goes in my good southern home:
Me: I know! Let's be healthy and go for a bike ride around the neighborhood before dinner!
Tony: Sounds good to me.
Open front door, where a wave of humid, soupy hot air immediately rushes in, instantly soaking us in sweat and stealing any breath we may have had (and frizzing my hair).
Me: Gak! It must be 200 degrees outside!
Tony: I'm already sweaty and I'm still standing at the front door!
Me: Let's watch tv and eat ice cream instead.

I firmly believe that if Colorado (the skinny state) had our kind of humidity, they'd be camped out in front of their TVs eating ice cream too. But what about fall and winter and spring, you say? Why don't you get your mammoth derrieres off the couch and do your bike riding then, you say? I'll tell you. Gravy. We Southerners loooooove gravy. And it just so happens that when the weather finally cools off down here (about November) it coincides with a lovely little holiday that we like to call Thanksgiving, and Thanksgiving is all about the turkey and gravy and mashed potatoes. And then, just as you're recovering from your gravy induced coma from Thanksgiving, you hit all the Christmas parties, which also involve gravy. Biscuits with sausage gravy. Country fried steak with milk gravy. Mushroom gravy. Meatloaf and gravy. Roast beef with gravy. Maybe a little red eye gravy. Chicken and dumplings (in gravy). Then you have your Christmas dinner, which includes (but is not limited to) mashed potatoes and gravy, dressing and gravy, beef tips in gravy, ham in sweet glaze (a cousin of gravy) and broccoli in cheese sauce (another cousin to gravy). All of a sudden, you're all aboard the gravy train, headed to Chunkyville. Sure, everyone vows to hit that treadmill in January, but Easter is coming up, and you can't skimp on the gravy on the Lord's Day! There are traditions to uphold, and they all involve passing Grandma's antique gravy boat. After that, you're back into the heat wave, and it's all you can do to ride it out until Thanksgiving comes again.

Don't get me wrong, I applaud the new laws that require 150 minutes of PE and only healthy snacks in schools. But southerners aren't going to give up their Salisbury steak (smothered in gravy) just because gym teachers are making us climb the rope again. We need to get hooked on an air-conditioned indoor sport and for someone to come up with a recipe for fat free gravy. THEN we'll give those mountain-climbing Coloradoans with their organic granola and fancy wheat germ shakes a run for their money.

Well, as long as the running is indoors...and right after lunch.