3/19/08 Snore-No-More

So we're trying something new here in the House of Quirk. Remember when Mom and I went to the Home and Garden Show? Well, Mom picked up a jar of Arraby's Snore-No-More, and reported instant results with it. She brought the jar over last Sunday for me to try and see if it works on Tony too. He's not a bad bad snorer, but he has really narrow nasal passages, so if he's in any kind of position where his nose doesn't have 100% air access, things can get a little rumbly. So far I've been combating this by reaching over and pinching his nose closed while he sleeps. (This isn't as bad as it sounds). Eventually, he'll shift in his sleep to try to open up his airways again, and then I let go. That gives me some peace until he shifts back into a snoring position again. I was really looking forward to Snore-No-More so I wouldn't have to spend all night attempting to suffocate my dear hubby by cutting off his air supply.

The idea is that it works like aromatherapy, and the scent opens up the nasal passageways and stops the snoring. It's Marjoram oil with some other stuff thrown in, and it has a very distinct odor. Not a bad odor, but definitely noticeable. Kinda of like floor cleaner smell, with mint and a hint of citronella candle thrown in. It's strong, but then, that's kind of the point. Like I said, once you get over the strength of it, it doesn't smell bad. The instructions say that before going to bed, you should take 4-5 deep breaths of the stuff, and then leave it uncapped at your bedside while you sleep. Then just cap it again in the morning. I figured that it couldn't hurt, so we gave it a try.

I'd like to report that we immediately followed the scientific method and created the ideal environment for a series of experiments to see if Snore-no-more was really effective, but sadly, my lab rat test subject doesn't seem to want to cooperate. Tony, for some reason, seems to be in snoring denial. He's totally immune to the fact that he sounds like he's swallowed a whole fleet of 747 airplanes while he sleeps. He says any snoring I hear is because 1) I'm dreaming, 2) it's the cats, or 3) I must be hearing myself snore. (The fact that I'm awake while all this snoring is going on is completely inconsequential). Anyway, because he's just sure that the doesn't snore, he doesn't think we need Snore-no-more, and seems determined to thwart my experiment at every turn. The first night, Tony claimed objection to the smell and only pretended to breathe it in, all while executing exaggerated facial expressions and crinkling his nose. (The poor thing- I make him do so much...like sniff a jar before going to bed so that I can have a little quiet at night while falling asleep).

Tony: There. I smelled it. Well, Goodnight. (Then he rolled over and not 10 seconds later, was snoring up a storm).
Me (reading in bed when the snoring starts, thus sparking this mental conversation with myself): Uh-oh. More snoring. Why didn't it work? I'll tell you why it didn't work- he didn't really breathe it in. He's so silly. Still, we have snoring going on, just as loud as ever. Wait a minute, didn't he just say goodnight about 10 seconds ago? He falls asleep fast, but that's really really fast, even for him. He must have been really tired. He must-
Tony (suddenly rolling over to glare at me suspiciously): Hey! I'm snoring here! How come you aren't saying anything about it?
Me: How did you know you were snoring if you were asleep?
Tony: Uh...I heard myself.
Me (growing suspicious): You heard yourself snoring while you were asleep?
Tony (looking sheepish): Maybe. The point is Snore-no-more doesn't work!
Me: Hang on. You're FAKE snoring in order to discredit Snore-No-More?
Tony (totally busted): Maybe.

You can see that we don't exactly have an unbiased tester here. Once he REALLY went to sleep, there was still a little snoring, but it was quieter and less annoying. So the results so far are that maybe it works, and maybe it doesn't, or maybe it would work if Tony actually inhaled deep breaths instead of only the shallowest breaths over the jar. (I swear, microscopic organisms take deeper breaths than Tony does). I'll keep you posted on any progress we make...like me beating him in the head with the jar of Snore-No-More until he loses consciousness, and then putting it right under his nose until he breathes deeply. 'Cause we're all about the scientific method here.