Weedle Woes

I was eating a tube of raw cookie dough the other day (oh how I love you, cookie dough goodness!) when I remembered some old friends of my family that knew someone who died from Salmonella or Ebola or South African bird flu-itis from also eating some cookie dough raw. (You might think this might give me pause before eating more cookie dough, but you underestimate the power that the Pillsbury Dough Boy holds over me). Besides, you don't know the Weedles*.

The Weedles are a family that my family used to know before we moved here to good ol' K-town. I guess you could call them family friends. Anyway, no matter what you happened to be doing at any given time, the Weedles knew someone who suffered a tragic death from doing that very thing. Leaning back in your chair? The Weedles knew someone who did that and then fell over backwards, split their head open, and died! Petting a dog? The Weedles knew someone who leaned down to pet their dog and the dog bit them on the leg, and the leg got infected, and they died! Watching too much TV? The Weedles knew someone who was watching tv when their eyeballs melted right out of their sockets, and they died! And my personal favorite: Riding in the car with the window rolled down and your arm resting on the door? The Weedles knew someone whose arm got a little too far outside the door and when they ran a stop sign, their arm hit the sign and ripped right off! And then they bled to death, right there on the side of the road, and. They. Died! (I'm not sure if this was a warning against riding with your arm out of the open window, running a stop sign, or driving too close to the edge of the road, but the point is they died!) The Weedles knew people who died from everything from walking in a field (lightening strikes) to camping in the woods (bear attack) to chewing on ice (choked on it), to shopping in a grocery store (stock boy runs you over with line of shopping carts in the parking lot). Of course, the only thing that you can do while the Weedles are pronouncing your impending doom is to nod and say, "Yes, Ms. Weedle" and then look away while you roll your eyes (because the Weedles knew someone who died from rolling their eyes).

When you think about it though, the only deadly thing that all these people had in common was just being acquainted with the Weedles.

(*Name changed to protect me from the wrath of the Weedles, should they ever stumble across this blog).