5/21/08 Wonderful Wednesday (or When I Get to Set the Record Straight)

I mentioned yesterday that "You never let a future son-in-law get the upper hand in anything…" and that I would take my opportunity today to set the record straight regarding Tony. For the past six and a half years, Tony has seemed to have the upper hand. Seemed, I say, because it never appears anyone hears my very logical explanations for the messes we get into.

For example, the famed Placenta Story:
Tony’s version (as told by Quirk, the Traitor)- "This is the woman who sat around the Easter dinner table, bombarding my brand new boyfriend with stories of how she pushed too hard and ruptured her placenta when she was pregnant with me. (Poor Tony- he was totally freaked out. Here he was meeting my family for the first time, and my mother is describing oozing placenta stories over the ham and deviled eggs. It's a wonder he ever stuck around long enough to marry me)."
My version- When the Quirk was first describing Tony, along with "how green and beautiful his eyes were," she mentioned he was getting his degree in Animal Science. Fantastic, I thought. Quirk’s Dad and I both had taught science and loved scientific information. We had raised the girls with conversations regarding the science of life over dinner, science trivia questions during car rides and had discussed science television shows at length. Tony would fit right in. And, as the Quirk seemed serious about him, so much the better! How fortuitous then that I came across Tony studying a book about placentas for one of his classes! Not only had I covered placentas in the Life Science classes I had taught but his beloved Quirky entered this world with drama (no surprise there) by tearing the placenta. Sharing this scientific, medical story with him would show him I recognized his study and command of this topic and would forever bond us as kinsmen in the coming years. Who knew he hated that area of his major and had a weak stomach?

Then, there’s the Pee Story:
Tony’s version (as told to the whole dorm)- Quirk’s mom asked me when was the last time I peed! Can you believe that??? Right out of the blue, the woman asks me when I peed last. She’s nuts, I tell you, Nuts!
My version- Tony and the Quirk accompanied us to a track meet where her seester was competing. Having been a coach for many years and knowing how easily both competitors and spectators can become dehydrated in the 90+ degree heat, I had us stop at a convenience store to stock up on bottled water. Tony refused to get any. I told him it was fine to get a bottle-our treat (thinking he was short on cash). He still declined. I explained we’d be out in the hot sun all day as the meet wore on and there might not be water there. Still, he declined. I was becoming alarmed but the Quirk said to leave him alone. I simply bought an extra bottle anyway.
Mandatory clinics have covered at length the signs, symptoms and precautions regarding dehydration and the best guide to a person’s hydration level is their frequency of urination. If a person has not urinated for at least two hours while in the sun or exercising, water is recommended.
The meet wore on, the temp. was 98 degrees and Tony hadn’t touched any water. So, I asked him when the last time was he had urinated. A perfectly logical, caring question. Downright required of a coach to the team members! So why not to Tony? It certainly was not deserving of the hilarity and ridicule expressed by the members of this family and Tony!

Although I could go on and on with the anecdotes that proves it is Tony that persecutes me instead of the other way around, I will leave you, dear readers, with this last topic:

The Anatomy Story-Structure and Function:
Tony’s version- We can’t get through a meal without some discussion of a bodily function. It’s disgusting the things they talk about without blinking an eye. And, Quirk’s Mom is the worst!
My version- As discussed previously (see the famed Placenta Story above), Quirk’s Dad and I taught science for a number of years, including sex education, and biology. Then we became pharmaceutical sales representatives where we were further schooled in the structure and function of the human body. Our daughters were used to the stories from the classrooms and the doctors being shared during our meals together as we each discussed things that happened during our workday. We would laugh at stories such as when the wife of a patient was overheard telling him, "I told you, you weren’t supposed to drink that fleet (enema)! Now you have to buy another one!" Or, how an eighth grader announced, "My Momma carried me in her left breast when she was pregnant." You can’t make these things up and we always have great fun sharing them. They are also teachable moments (how to correctly take an enema, where the uterus is actually located, etc.) that SOME people just don’t understand. When I was in the Women’s Health Division selling birth control to OB/GYNs I had some of the funniest stories (you found a toothbrush where???) and some of the saddest (she had a hair shirt???). But all were told as scientifically and medically correct as relayed to us (okay, some docs are pretty crude). All in all, though, the stories are fun and educational (if you don’t mind that kind of stuff being discussed, Tony!!!)

See? Logical explanations all!