5/7/08 On My (Mouth) Soap Box

I'm on my frivolous lawsuit soap box today. I'll try to keep the ranting to a minimum.

I always have the TV on so that I can listen to the Today show while I get ready in the mornings. Today I was listening to them do a tour of the Vice President's house while brushing my teeth, and then as I'm gargling with my mouthwash chaser, I hear the TV say something like, "Next, a mouthwash that stains your teeth instead of whitening them? Find out why users of Crest ProHealth are so mad".

And I glace up at the TV to see a picture of Crest ProHealth.

And I glance down at the bottle of mouthwash in my hand.

Crest ProHealth.

Well isn't that just peachy. My mouthwash is staining my teeth.

I spit it out and looked closely at my teeth in the mirror while the Today show interviews a 14 year old girl who claims that it stained her teeth. (This is their proof? A 14 year old? And one that can't even show her stained teeth as proof because she "went to the dentist twice" in order to get the stains removed.) Apparently, the alcohol-free mouthwash kills the bacteria in your mouth but leaves the little bacteria carcasses on your teeth, which makes them look brown. Uh-hmmm. Wouldn't all mouthwashes, regardless of alcohol, kill germs and leave them on your teeth? Wouldn't you spit them out when you were through? I'm not sure I'm buying this.

Nonetheless, suddenly my teeth look a little more brown.

Today also has a guy from Proctor and Gamble, makers of Crest ProHealth on TV. He says that they haven't gotten any complaints about the mouthwash staining anyone's teeth. Wouldn't they have heard if this was happening?

Ah, the 14 year old retaliates, but what if people don't KNOW that it's the mouthwash that's doing the staining? What if they attributed it to something else?

That's true. I certainly wouldn't think my mouthwash was leaving stains on my teeth. I would think coffee or cokes or tea or something before I would think of mouthwash. But I'm also wondering how the 14 year old figured out that it was the mouthwash as opposed to the cokes or teas or whatever else she drinks. Apparently she read about it when she googled it and found other people claiming that it caused stains on their teeth. (And you know that if it's on the Internet, it must be true!)

I popped on over to the Crest ProHealth website, which is in full defense mode with all kinds of dentists saying that it is completely safe and ALL mouthwashes leave dead germs on your teeth. They say that the staining is temporary and 99.99% of people don't even notice it. I have to agree. I can't honestly say that I thought anything about it until I saw the report. And because I like the alcohol-free stuff, I'll keep right on using it, temporary stains or no.

Of course, because this is America, there's a lawsuit involved. Because Crest didn't put a warning label on their bottle about possible stains, people are suing them for fraud. (I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that P&G is a billion dollar company). C'mon now people. It's temporary, and if you don't like it, don't use it. Mouthwash didn't ruin your life. Brush your teeth and move on with your lives.

If I were Crest, I'd attach little free samples of Crest white strips to the mouthwash and call it a day.