Apparently, I have developed a super-power. And like all good super-powers, it comes with an arch-nemesis.
I wish I could say that my super-power was something cool like flying or going invisible or being able to walk through walls, but alas, it is not. Instead, I have developed a super sense of smell. And trust me, it is not nearly as much fun as you think it is.
I can smell everything! EVERYTHING! Even things miles away assault my nose with the intensity of a thousand stinky suns. I smell our garbage, I smell the neighbor's garbage, I smell fast food restaurants blocks away, I smell people in other countries. And none of it smells good.
It's a warped smell, too. Things that used to smell delicious now send me running for the bathroom. All the air fresheners that I myself purchased a few months ago? I had to unplug them. They were just too strong. Litter boxes? Had to be moved as far away down in the basement as possible. Hamburgers sizzling on the grill in the summer used to be one of my favorite smells. Now the only thing that comes through is overwhelming grease smell, viciously strong and turning my stomach even as I type it.
I can totally get why all the super heroes in the comics are all full of angst and regret all the time. I used to think that they were whiny crybabies with all the "Why me?" and "What did I do to deserve this super-burden?", but now that my own super-sniffer has developed, I am right there with them. I'll just be minding my own business when suddenly, "Gah! WHAT IS THAT SMELL?!?"
And my arch-nemesis? My own beloved Tony. He's got a Jekyll and Hyde thing going on where he'll be loving and sweet right up until it's time for him to make dinner for himself (I've officially forgone traditional dinner out of my eternal devotion to Saltines, the driest cracker on Earth), and then he'll suddenly transform into the evil Dr. Stinky, sworn enemy to my super-sniffer. Oh sure, he claims that it's completely accidental, but look at this list and tell me if this isn't a deliberate attempt to kill me through stink?
For dinner, Tony has made:
Bratwurst! This stunk up the house even when I wasn't pregnant! He knows I hate this smell! And with the Super-sniffer? I stayed locked in the bedroom for three days before the smell dissipated.
Curly Fries! Remember what I said about the grease? It's so strong, it's its own living, breathing monster, like swamp thing, or the blob. Grease blob, evil minion of Dr. Stinky.
Hot ham and cheese! This doesn't sound so bad, but he used Swiss cheese! Swiss cheese! Strong even when cold, heating brings out the very strongest of cheesy stinkiness.
Pizza! Actually, the pizza wasn't bad...until he burned it. Do you know what burned anything smells like to a super-sniffer? Oh it was bad. Fire and brimstone and sulfur can't compete with the smell of burned pizza.
Finally...(and this is probably the worst because he's done it on a repeat basis)...Corn dogs! Tony has decided that since I've given over the dinner reins to him, that means that he can eat all the stuff I normally wouldn't let him eat for dinner...such as that artery clogging box of corn-dipped death on a stick. Oh happy day for him! Oh slow and stinky demise for me. I'm not sure exactly what it is about greasy fried corn meal and hot dog that is so toxic to the the super-sniffer, but it brings me to my knees every time. It is my kryptonite.
Oh super-sniffer! Why do you torment me so? Why must you warp the smells of beautiful everyday things, bringing them into deadly clarity and enveloping me in a blanket of your stinky stinkiness? Why must you gag me with your unending OH SWEET MERCY! NOW WHAT IS THAT AWFUL SMELL?!?