10/26/10 The Forbidden Call of the Other Side (of the Bed)

Something happened the other night that has totally altered the fabric of the universe in our house. I mean, completely changed everything. Black was white, night was day, cats were actually well behaved at 5am. It was total chaos. And now I'm not sure we can ever get back to normal.

See, Tony and I switched sides of the bed.

Maybe this is not a big deal for you. Maybe you switch sides all the time. Or maybe you sleep alone and diagonally if that's what floats your boat. But we? We do not change. Ever. No matter where we happen to be sleeping. There are RULES about these things.

You have to understand that Tony always sleeps closest to the door. Always. I told him that from the very beginning. I don't sleep closest to the door. My thinking is that if bad guys ever attack via the door, they have to go through him first. (Not that that would really make a difference, since Tony's such a heavy sleeper that the bad guys could climb on the bed and do the foxtrot on his chest and he would never even stir, but still I figure that gives me a few extra seconds to get the baseball bat ready). It's my little neurosis. I like to have a bad guy attack plan, and my plan is they have to go through someone else first. (I hear you out there. You're asking what my plan is if the bad guys come in the windows, or are already hiding in the closet? To that I say Shut up. One ridiculous paranoid psychosis at a time please). So hotel rooms, guest rooms, air mattresses in the floor. Tony always sleeps closest to the door.

The other rule is I always sleep next to the nightstand with the lamp, phone, glass of water, books, etc. That is because Tony uses the bed to go to sleep, whereas my nightly routines involve more baggage than Paris Hilton vacationing in the French Riviera. I need my book. I need a glass of water. I need a tissue. I need a spray bottle to spray the cat trying to drink my water and shred my tissues. It's all very complicated. And since our bedroom setup only has a space for a nightstand on one side of the bed, it's mine.

And this is all well and good. It's worked for us for years. Except for two nights ago. Because two nights ago we switched sides, and now I must confess that once we went through that door, we haven't been able to get back to where we were before.

See, two nights ago, one of the guys who works the night shift at Tony's company had a flat tire and was late showing up for work. And because he was late, things didn't get done that should have gotten done. And since Tony is in charge of making sure that things get done, he got called at about 3am to see what the people who were at work should do. And since the phone was on my side of the bed, that meant that I had to answer it. And pass it over to him. And turn on the light so that he could find his contact phone numbers. And sit there while he worked stuff out on a scrap of paper on the nightstand on my side of the bed.

Of course, one cannot blame Tony for this. He's just doing his job, and sometimes that job involves fixing problems in the middle of the night. But I must admit I was a little miffed when the phone rang again at 4am, and AGAIN at 5am and we went through the whole light, phone, contacts, my side of the bed routine for a second and third time. And Tony, perhaps sensing this (or maybe he was just alerted to the problem by my growling) suggested that maybe this once, for tonight, he should sleep on my side to be closest to the phone and the light and the nightstand so that my beauty sleep wouldn't continue to be interrupted. And I was just tired enough to glance at the door and just not care about bad guys. So we switched.

And it was great.

It was great because in addition to being closest to the door, his side is also closest to the bathroom. And since baby girl likes to rumba on my bladder about 40 times throughout the night, this was a real time saver not to have to stumble all the way around the bed when I got up. And it was great because even though the alarm is on my side, he's the one who uses it, so when it went off two nights ago, he just shut it off instead of me having to do it. Plus his side is closer to the window, which meant my pillow stayed nice and cool all night long.

Of course, I was sure that he'd want his side back again. We are, after all, creatures of habit. But when he mentioned that my side was incredibly comfortable and he'd slept really well over there (after the phone quit ringing anyway), I admit it gave me pause. Could we do it? Could we actually switch sides? I'd be giving up the nightstand and my water glass and reading lamp for the front line in bad guy attack, but at the same time, the idea of having toilet-front property was mighty appealing. And to not have to be the one to mess with the alarm? Switching definitely has its merits.

So I don't know. Last night we went back to our original sides, which are steady and established and I (literally) could maneuver around in my sleep, but I just can't seem to shake the thought of that new and exciting other side of the bed. It calls to me, that bad boy side of the bed. A little darker, a little cooler, a little more dangerous, but oh so alluring.

It could change bed time forever as we know it.