4/18/07 The Cost of Moolah

I never carry cash with me. I tried once to always keep an emergency $20 with me, but just knowing that I had it unleashed an uncontrollable urge to spend it, so 2 hours after I put it in there, it was gone. This desire to exchange petty cash for say, vending machine food, can usually be controlled by not carrying cash at all, and instead using my credit card for everything and then paying it off at the end of the month. This keeps me from 1) buying $1 impulse purchases, and 2) allows me to earn "points" at a rate of .000000000000000000000001 points per dollar on my credit card. As soon as I get 59,547,825 more points, I can get a free toaster!

Anyway, yesterday I needed cash. I was hungry, there was Wendy's, and I had no cash. (Yes, I know, Wendy's takes credit cards, but last time I used my credit card to buy a $1.09 Junior Bacon Cheeseburger, the cashier looked at me like I was insane. I just couldn't handle that kind of judgment again). So I went in search of my bank ATM. And I searched, and I searched, and I searched. And no bank. Oh sure, every other bank had a branch, but one of Tony's 10 commandments is "Thou shall not pay the fee for using another bank's ATM" so I drove up and down the street, looking in vain for my bank, but to no avail. Finally I gave in and went to a rival bank's ATM, and said ATM charged me $2.50 to withdraw $20 to buy a $1.09 junior bacon cheeseburger. So in essence, the ATM cost me the price of TWO Junior bacon cheeseburgers in order to get the cash to buy one. The irony was not lost on me. It especially would not lost on Tony, who also requests that anytime I do hit up the ATM, I bring the receipt back to him, so that he can balance the bank account or do whatever it is he does with his much beloved (and totally boring) Quicken. (Yes, he's a nerd, but he's my nerd, and it keeps me from having to balance the checkbook, so it works). So I brought the receipt from evil rival bank's ATM home, folded it in half about 50 times, and gave it to him. The unfolding gave me a few precious seconds to flee before..."AAAARRRRHHHHHH!" Oh the humanity! Betrayed by his beloved wife through the use of an unauthorized bank ATM! The weeping! The agony!
Generations from now, the neighborhood children will continue to relay the story of the eerie wailing sounds escaping into the night from when Tony discovered my surrender to the dark side via a $2.50 ATM charge.