In self defense...

So about a week ago Sunday, Tony and I were on our way home from church when all of a sudden, my lips started burning. Weird. I remember touching my mouth, but that's no reason why they should burn like that. Perhaps I am insevere need of chapstick. Mental note to put some on when I get home. Other thought was that I had one of those Arby's wraps for dinner, and maybe one of those ground pepper kernels had been stuck in my teeth or something. Gasp! pepper in my teeth after I greeted all those people during the "peace" part. (You know, the part where the priest says "peace" about 50 times, thus signaling the time of the service where you turn to the people around you, shake their hand and say "peace be with you". I have a contest going with Tony to see who can get the most "peace". I think I had something like 7 that night, which only makes it more mortifying that I smiled at all those people with a hunk of pepper in my teeth). Mention something to that affect to Tony. He says he's sure no one noticed. I say that people notice those kinds of things, they're just too nice to point it out. Tony says he didn't notice anything in my teeth. Considering Tony doesn't notice new pieces of furniture, I am not convinced.

Approximately a minute or two later, I innocently rub my eye. ARRRHRHHHH! My eye is on fire! It's like someone put acid in it!!! I've got my eye squeezed shut like a pirate, and I'm demanding that we pull over so that I can properly rip the offending eye out of my face. Tony, (whose eye is not burning) points out that we can't pull over-we are on the interstate, and if I'll just hang on a minute, we'll be home where I can stab myself in the eye in private (and he can watch tv while I do so). Pound myself in the eye with my fist. Eyebrow starts burning too. WHAT THE CRAP?!?! Something must be on my hands! I have acid on my hands!! How did I get acid on my hands??? Think back to 7 "peace" handshakes. (NOT SO PEACEFUL NOW!!!) Did someone have something on their hands? Chemicals? Harsh cleaning products? Who knows what those people touch out at Oak Ridge. Thoughtless of them not to wash their hands before coming to church. (Try to tear up so as to wash it out. More burning!!!) Also consider that this is not so "accidental". The new Pope movie comes out tonight. Possible anti-Pope terrorists making a statement by lacing hymnals with acid? Whole church could be blind by now!!! (except for Tony, who doesn't touch the book because he doesn't sing) Oh cruel fate! Oh freakin' burning eye!! Almost rub eye again before remembering that the hands are compromised. (Hold hands out and up like surgeon finishing scrub). Glare at them in horror through one squinty eye. Other eye, I am convinced, has been eaten away already. Shudder at idea of wearing an eye patch for the rest of my life. (Perhaps a glass eye would be better. Mental note to google glass eyes later). Finally get home and wash hands with soap and water. Wash eye with soap and water. Wash eyebrow with soap and water. As a precaution, shoot myself in the eye for 15 minutes with kitchen sprayer. Am thoroughly drenched, but eye is feeling better. Tony inspects gaping eye socket. "Looks fine. Not even red". Kinda implies that I did all that fussing for nothing. Run to mirror to inspect eye. Looks fine, although kinda wet. It's a miracle!

Fast forward to Thursday night. Innocently shopping with Mom, secure in the knowledge that the Anti-Catholic acid terrorists are an isolated incident, and wouldn't come after me in a furniture store. I am debating the earth-shattering effects of going with a beige chair in the living room vs taupe. Pushy sales lady (who has never seem my living room) is suggesting beige. Suddenly, my highly sensitive eye-goop detecting meter goes off. "Whoop! Whoop! Possible eye goop lodged in corner of right eye!" Obviously, eye goop would severely affect the true color of the beige/taupe dilemma, so I rub it out with my finger. And HOLY CRAP!! IT'S IN MY EYE AGAIN! THE BURNING! THE BURNING! (Sales lady is wondering if chair looks different with one eye squeezed shut like a pirate. I seem to be doing that a lot). Luckily, being with Mom, (who has the bladder size of a marble) we have already scouted the bathroom area of the store, so I can run back to it, half blind and squinting at everyone as I rush past. Store bathroom does not have kitchen sprayer. Plebeians! Make do with about 50 wet paper towels instead. Finally burning subsides. Wonder if maybe this is a medical condition that I will be forever plagued with. Like a trick knee, only a trick burning eye. Not a happy thought. Explain situation to Mom. Note that location, people, weather all different between two occurrences. Only thing that is the same is...I'm wearing my black jacket. Of course, I wear my black jacket almost every day, so that can't be it. Mom suggests that I was standing with my hands in my pockets seconds before the attack occurred. Perhaps something fell into my pockets, or my coat somehow came into contact with terrorist acid. Will investigate when I get home (where I will be in close proximity to kitchen sprayer, if the need arises).

Home. Take off jacket, and circle it warily. Pockets are packed with all kinds of stuff. Pull out scarf and inspect. Looks normal. Pull out gloves. Also normal. Pull out Scooby Doo ear warming head band. Scooby would never do anything to blind me. Pull out blue highlighter inadvertently stolen from office. Oops. Pull out tape measure. Pull out chapstick. Pull out gas receipt. 3 to-do lists. A phillips head screw. Tube of lip gloss slightly leaky canister of pepper spray.

Epilogue: Despite carrying the pepper spray for protection when walking to the garage at night after work, it has proven to be more detrimental to my health than a benefit. I have removed it from my jacket pocket. I am also slowly getting over the embarrassment of having pepper sprayed myself...twice. That said, this has been a highly valuable lesson. Obviously, being pepper sprayed does not leave you rolling on the floor, screaming until you lose consciousness. (It does however, make it impossible to keep your eyes open). While temporary blindness is okay for your common criminal, I want my attacker to REALLY suffer to the point that he's completely incapacitated while I kick him. Obviously blindness does not equate to the paralysis I'm looking for. I'm thinking of getting a tazer.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

nice. I have not quite done that to myself yet, but I will keep in mind not to get pepper spray for just-in-case. I'm thinking about going with pointed toe shoes instead, so that when an attacker comes up and I have to kick hard, in that special place, it hurts for him way more. Only problem is, poitned toe shoes kill my feet, and I do not relish the idea of wakling around in them in case I am attacked when I am out late at night. I may have to go for the tazer option also...